Free-Ass. Press--Retired Blog

This Free-Ass. Blog Has Been Retired

2008-08-05T23:20:00.005-04:00

Dear Readers,

Due to some crazy tragic techno-problems, our original blog site has been retired: www.freeasspress.blogspot.com

You can find all your favorite stories both old and new on our new blog site: www.freeasspress.com

Thanks for visiting us!

Free-Ass. Press

Solzhenitsyn Dies; Obituaries Cause Global Spell-Check Blackout

2008-08-05T06:00:00.001-04:00

Posted: On Stalen's grayv

WORLD -- In a crippling mihsap for newspapiers, maguzines and blogs everywhere, the death of righter Alexander Soltsaneatson and the subsequent obitchuaries caused spell Czech softwear all over the world to crash.

Soltschanietschen's name and his his book title's -- wich are also stupid hard to spell like "the Goolag Arkipellugo" and "One Day in the Life of Ivan Deesneesavitch," along with other Russian words and terms to make it seem like the press does research -- overloaded spell check programs and shut down news organzations for owers.

On behalf of libral press around the world, the Free-Asss. Press and they're reporters apolojizz for any errrs.

Hillary Clinton Refuses to Be Nominated; Denies Ever Seeking Presidency

2008-08-04T06:00:00.003-04:00

Posted: Clearly not back in May

DENVER -- In a surprise move by the Hillary Clinton campaign, which everyone assumed disbanded months ago when Barack Obama secured the Democratic nomination, the New York senator has refused to file papers that would allow her to be formally nominated for the presidency at the convention.

"I know such a thing would have sounded really, really, really, really, really, really, really strange coming from me three months ago, but I've had time to think about this," she said. "I never really wanted to be president anyway. It's true."

When asked why she ran in the first place then, Clinton cited the deep fulfillment that three to four hours of sleep per night; endless traveling; hanging out in high school gymnasiums; pretending to care about a bunch of people in a diner at 5:30 a.m. who are wondering why the f**k a bunch of TV cameras showed up to watch them drink coffee and eat eggs and toast; and racking up $10 million in debt in just under three months provide.

"Plus, I love to lose my voice as a result of stumping endlessly and breathing stale, recirculated, fetid airplane air," she added.

In order to still be considered for nomination, Clinton would have to submit a formal signed request along with the signatures of 300 to 600 Democratic delegates who passionately believe in committing political suicide for a symbolic gesture that achieves absolutely nothing.

As of press time, that number was at or near zero.

Free-Ass. Study: Obama Coverage Slanted Toward Obama (Who Is Awesome)

2008-08-01T06:00:00.002-04:00

Posted: At 6 Barack a.m.

Washington D.C. -- After completing a lackluster week on the campaign trail, Republican nominee John McCain is blaming his campaign woes on the media.

"My friends, you're not really acting like my friends right now in your coverage, and if you don't stop, I'm just going to stop saying, 'my friends' before every sentence," McCain said to the three reporters covering his campaign stop yesterday in Racine, Wis.

After the announcement went out over the wire, the entire media, in a collective sigh of relief, decided unanimously (because they get together once a day to discuss how to slant news to the left intentionally and in perfect concert across the hundreds of thousands of media platforms that exist globally) to stop slanting its coverage toward Obama, the thinking being that although McCain would take the country down an ever-more-dangerous road with his shallow, short-sighted and hawkish George Bush-like elderly foreign policy, it would be worth it just to get him to stop saying 'my friends' every five f*cking seconds.

Despite the media's decision, however, FAP, which is not part of the media, but part of the more exclusive smallia, has found that coverage of the future president of the United States has been fair and balanced between the two candidates. Both Obama and McCain were mentioned an equal number of times, for example, in this story from last week's New York Times:

"While John 'Old Fogey' McCain was droning on in Ohio, Barack "His Highness" Obama was dazzling hundreds of thousands of Germans with a glittering and history-making oratory about unity among nations. Not since Abraham "the White Obama" Lincoln has a presidential candidate provided so much promise for a nation in such stark contrast to the half-dead image of John 'Moses' McCain."

Even in this article, the future president and the current old man are mentioned an equal number of times not including the "White Obama" reference as that refers to Lincoln rather than to the savior of humanity.

ABC Debuts Extreme Takeover: Foreclosure Edition

2008-07-31T06:00:00.001-04:00

Posted: As-is, bank owned, great investment article, seller motivated, bring all offers, no disclosures

LAKE CITY, Ga. -- After spending just three years living in their brand-new, donated, state-of-the-art $450,000 dream home courtesy of the most annoying show on television, the Harper family will soon get a visit from a new reality show: "Extreme Takeover: Foreclosure Edition."

"This hardworking team of more than 150 IRS agents and bank loan officers was generous enough to donate its time, energy and auditing skills to make this takeover a reality, and in record time!" said Ty Pennington as he ripped his custom-built 72" plasma screen "special project" out of the wall.

After a week of poring over financial statements, tax returns and mortgage, second mortgage and third mortgage documents, the team was ready to spring into action. They hired the Harpers' neighbors to move all of the family's furniture to the curb as the Harper family stood outside their home with tears of disbelief.

"I can't believe people would pitch in for something like this," said Milton Harper, who, along with his wife Patricia, lost the house after using it as collateral to start a construction business that failed.

After the furniture was finally moved, a crowd gathered around the Harpers to scream those famous words.

"Move into that bus!" they screamed as the financial volunteers took off in their chartered coach, revealing a 1970s-era Blue Bird school bus with broken windows, a flat tire and painted brown with the faint remnants of the words "Forest Park Middle School" on the side.

"It really warms our cockles to know that we've made such a huge impact on these peoples' lives," said Dale Pinzino, head loan officer at Guaranty Bank. "This family's been through some rough times, and we're here to pick up the pieces, including this beautiful, Axis four-piece Wedge sectional from Crate & Barrel."

Gay Animals Do Not Act Gay

2008-07-30T06:00:00.001-04:00

Posted: In the alternative lifestyle area of PetSmart

SAN FRANCISCO -- In a recent study by the Center for the Study of Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transsexual Animal Sociology at the University of San Francisco, Castro Campus, in association with the office of Sen. Larry Craig (R in name only-Idaho), researchers found that animals who prefer a lifestyle with the same-gendered animal actually do not generally "act gay."

"Acting gay" is a technical term sociologists use that refers to animals who pay particular attention to seasonal flora -- and fauna ... Roarrrrr! -- who sometimes use overly exaggerated paw gestures and who have immaculate, imported habitats.

CSGLBTAS -- or Cassglibtoss, as its known to the three people who work there -- surveyed 22,000 animals from 57 different species over three years to reach its conclusions.

"Occasionally, you'll get a male lion that avoids the bush, or a monkey who really enjoys swinging, but generally speaking, gay animals blend in to the overall population extremely well," said Devin Barry, Ph.D., who authored the study. "Because of its remote location, the one consistent exception tends to be Antarctica, especially on Friday nights."

"I'm not gay," Sen. Craig added.

Free-Ass. Store Launches! Twitter and Friendfeed too!

2008-07-29T06:00:00.000-04:00

Posted: At the start of something big

The Free-Ass. Press is proud to announce the opening of our online store! Check it out at:

http://www.cafepress.com/freeasspress

Our store will feature T-shirts, bumper stickers and other random products plastered with your favorite Free-Ass. lines. Check out the new T-shirts:

-- Telecommuting Astronaut
-- McCain "Old Navy"
-- Grand Theft Election
-- CutlassSoupReam
-- "Big Boobs" (calculator style)
-- A message to our friends at 71077345

If you have a favorite Free-Ass. line and you want it on a shirt, let us know and we'll create it!

We are also proud to announce that we are now on Twitter and Friendfeed:

-- Get daily updates behind the scenes at the Free-Ass. Press with Twitter.
-- Friendfeed aggregates our RSS feed, our Twitter feed and allows you to join in the ongoing conversation with the Free-Ass. Press.

Check them out here:

Free-Ass. Twitter -- Sign in and search for "freeasspress"
Free-Ass. Friendfeed

Have a great Free-Ass. Tuesday!

McCain Announces Walking Mate

2008-07-28T06:59:00.003-04:00

Posted: On the door of the mall shuttle

PIPE DREAM, Ariz. -- Trying to steal Barack Obama's Zeus-like European thunder, Republican nominee John McCain turned the page on what by all accounts was his campaign's worst week by today announcing his pick for a walking mate: 83-year-old Minneapolis resident Mildred Pearl Mabel Higgins. Fittingly, McCain made his announcement in front of the Mall of America's Old Navy store.

Higgins, a lifelong Minnesotan known for her easy spirit, has been an active and outspoken advocate for mall-walking since the great 1964 Mall-Walk on Washington. She also organized the nation's first formal walker's rights advocacy group called "Mall or Nothing," which lobbied for the right to walk the open spaces of airplane hangars, dairy barns and nuclear power facilities in addition to malls.

She is widely considered the great-grandmother of mall-walking -- and 8-year-old Johnny Higgins of Edina, Minn.

"My friends, I'll be 72 years old on inauguration day," McCain said with the backdrop of a busy Sbarro. "That's pretty old by anyone's standards, which is why I was so careful in picking a walking mate who understands these issues. When there's a knock at the White House door at 3 a.m., America can be sure that it will be Mildred Pearl Mabel Higgins saying, 'Mr. President, put on your Rockports. It's time to take the shuttle over to the mall.' That, my friends, is the kind of leadership that comes only with age."

Barack Obama's campaign spokesman Robert Gibbs told a reporter from AARP magazine that Obama has no plans to pick a walking mate but that the Illinois senator has the utmost respect for seniors, which was met with a blank stare.

"I said, 'SENATOR OBAMA HAS NO PLANS TO PICK A WALKING MATE BUT HAS THE UTMOST RESPECT FOR SENIORS,'" he repeated.

"Jesus, put in your hearing aid," he added quietly.

China Sets Up Protest Pens For Olympics

2008-07-25T06:00:00.003-04:00

Posted: On Chairman Mao's forehead

BEIJING -- With two weeks remaining until the Olympic Games, China has agreed to set up "protest pens" where protestors can rally for their respective causes.

"We want to welcome the world and encourage them to express their views in our free and open, democratic-like dictatorship," said Liu Shaowu, security director of Beijing's Olympic organizing committee.

China has made a number of changes to make the Olympics more visitor-friendly including high-powered luxury showers for VIPs and an Olympic torch that can be shared among people of all nations.

Free-Ass. Olympic coverage starts in two weeks.

Laugh Track Actors Strike; Sitcoms Not Funny

2008-07-24T06:00:00.002-04:00

Pictured at left: George Clooney had to help out on "How I Met Your Mother" during the strike

Posted: Shortly after Gary Coleman said "What-choo talkin' 'bout, Willis?" for the last time

HOLLYWOODLAND, Calif. -- In a move to cripple a television industry still recovering from the months-long writer's strike, the Laugh Track Actors Guild (LTAG) has voted to strike after failing to win key concessions from the major Hollywood studios, one of which includes producing sitcoms that are funny.

Since the 1950s, laugh-track actors -- known as laugh-tractors in "the biz" -- have provided the artificially amped-up sounds from the "studio audience" for television situation comedies. They now contend, however, that sitcoms are no longer funny and that the two that are -- "30 Rock" and "The Office" -- have foregone laugh-tractors entirely. This catch-22 has made it nearly impossible for them to make a living, union members say.

"If I have to watch one more 'According to Jim' episode where he tries to fool his wife into thinking he completed her 'honey-do' list, I'm going to blow my frickin' brains out," said LTAG spokesperson Ryan Raddatz, known in the industry as "Woo," for being the guy who whoops in approval over other audience members who are just engaged in conventional laughing.

In response, sitcom showrunner Patrick Hayden said, "We'll just trick these guys into coming back to work by hiring their wives instead. Talk about situation comedy! The laugh-tractors will learn their lesson and this little 'strike' will wrap in exactly 22 minutes."

However, after some reflection alone in his toy-filled playroom, Raddatz changed his position in time for LTAG's monthly meeting. "Studios, we're sorry. 'Til Death' does have its moments," he said, adding, "That Finch guy from 'American Pie' is pretty funny."

After a well-timed beat, the entire membership immediately erupted into high-pitched cackling approval that segued quickly into a sustained, almost scientific level of applause as Raddatz froze in mid-sentence as the first familiar notes of the "Laverne and Shirley" theme song began playing.

PhotoShop Announces $99 ICBM Upgrade

2008-07-23T06:00:00.002-04:00

Posted: On a bunch of BitTorrent sites or at your local software retailer

SILICON VALLEY, Calif. -- In a rare, lightning-fast product release, PhotoShop is capitalizing on the controversy Iran caused when it PhotoShopped extra missiles into its recent launch photos released to media outlets worldwide. Adobe, the Silicon Valley parent company of PhotoShop, has just released the "ICBM upgrade" allowing PhotoShop users to add numerous threatening weapons and special effects to their digital photos.

The effects include 76 different kinds of mushroom clouds, 147 missile designs including both vehicle-mounted and shoulder-mounted weaponry and so-called "green" weapons like spears, rocks and fair-trade, locally-produced explosives. The new software also offers an IED Wizard where users can pick various household items out of which to create bombs and then download shrapnel plug-ins and martyrdom video templates.

"We're targeting -- no pun intended -- rogue nations and 14-year old boys; ideally, 14-year-old boys in rogue nations," said Adobe CEO Shantanu Narayen. "Not since the Manhattan Project has anyone made this big of a splash in the realm of international diplomacy."

Reacting to the PhotoShop missile controversy, Republican presidential nominee Sen. John McCain said, "This program is the greatest threat to our troops on the ground. I've been to Walter Reed to visit the wounded. A young man had his arm "shopped" off, as the enemy calls it. If I'm president, our troops will be properly equipped with Control-Z jamming technology and blue screens of death to fight this new terrorist weaponry."

Bush Announces Round-Robin Wars

2008-07-22T06:00:00.001-04:00

Posted: On every office breakroom bulletin board in the country

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a creative effort to make the United States' multiple wars more efficient and less taxing on the American public, Pres. George W. Bush has proposed a series of round-robin wars to settle international conflicts.

"With all these countries, it's hard to keep track of who hates who because of whatever thingamajig happened a thousand years ago," Bush said at a Monday morning Rose Garden press conference. "So I figured if we did it like the Final Four and created a grid and put some money on the thing, we could get through this in an orderly fashion -- and finally get the American people behind it."

Bush outlined a few matchups he would like to see before he leaves office in January. They include:

Israel vs. Hezbollah where the winner adopts the other's religion
Canada vs. Mexico: winner finally gets bragging rights for being the most least-important important country to border the U.S.
Because the president devised the plan -- and because this is the greatest country in the world, so love it or leave it -- the U.S. gets a bye in every round until the finals

Fox News Sunday host Chris Wallace asked Bush how he came up with such a brilliant plan.

"I was on the shitter in the Oval Office bathroom, and this stuff just hits you," he said. "I thank the three-alarm chili I ate last night. Now watch this wipe."

U.S. Makes Final Offer for Iran Talks: 700 Anytime Minutes

2008-07-21T06:00:00.006-04:00

MacMood Onomatopoeia, like Rod Roddy just announced, "A Brand New Car!"

Posted: Near the checkout line. No credit check! Cancel any time!

GENEVA -- In a renewed effort to get stalled talks moving forward again with Iran, the United States is offering Iran its best and final plan: 700 anytime minutes, free nights and weekends starting at 6 p.m. instead of 9 and two free iPhones with a $400 rebate in 10 to 12 weeks (not valid with any other offer). The U.S. has never offered such concessions to a consumer, much less a rogue nation, and Democrats were outraged.

"Two free iPhones? Why not just hand them our Constitution?" said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. Harry Reid, the Senate's Democratic majority leader, tried to look upset and brooding and overcome his nice-old-grandpa-y persona.

"I am very very upset about this," he said. "I have a crappy old Nokia with a horrible plan, and though I've disagreed with the president many times, I've never called him the Great Satan or chanted 'Death to America!' I guess that's what it takes to get an iPhone these days."

"Death to America," he added.

In a surprising policy reversal -- the 14th in just over a week -- Democratic nominee Sen. Barack Obama said he supports the offer to talk more with Iran.

"It's about time we revised the Bush administration's tired tactic of prank-calling Iran, asking if their shah is running and sending them text messages that say things like, 'RU still :( @ Israel?' That's not diplomacy."

Republican nominee Sen. John McCain, however, says the U.S. needs to be even tougher on Iran.

"My friends, we can't afford to spend 700 minutes talking with Iran any time they want," he said. "If there's a phone ringing in the White House at 3 a.m., I certainly don't want it to be MacMood Onomatopoeia looking to chat. My friends, that time difference is a bitch. I'm old and I need my sleep."

Iran responded to the offer through the Swiss embassy by activating the two iPhones in the parking lot because they couldn't wait to get home. Once the phones were activated, they began playing with the online version of PhotoShop to make Iranian news agency pictures depict that four iPhones, not two, were given away.

They also watched countless YouTube episodes of "Will It Blend?"

What is the world saying about this article?
New York Times--July 22, 2008 called the Free-Ass. Press "the fake news site whose name can't be repeated here."
Pongo un Circo... y me crecen los enanos

Free-Ass. Corrections For the Week Ending Friday

2008-07-18T06:00:00.001-04:00

Posted: Right now, in hopes of getting something right.

As a public service, the editors at Free-Ass. Press wish to express regret for a few minor mistakes or missed comedic opportunities in past stories that our loyal readers and the same three very loud digg haters who always point s**t out have brought to our attention.

Hertz will not rent you a Space Shuttle.
In our story, "Astronauts Hardest Hit By High Gas Prices," we claimed that one could rent a Space Shuttle from Hertz. We checked. Even when you present a Hertz #1 Club Gold card and enter discount code CDP# 77694, the best they'll offer you is a free shuttle to long-term parking. Also, forget the refueling option and collision damage waiver -- total ripoff. If you were to rent the Space Shuttle, the chances of colliding with another Space Shuttle would be extremely remote.

Jerry Yang is not 13.
In our story, "Yahoo! Searches Yahoo! Finance for Yahoo! Answers about Yahoo! Buyout," we claimed that Yahoo! CEO Jerry Yang is 13 years old. Although Jerry Yang is not 13, his ego really is a 50-foot tall inflatable Asian persona in a purple polo. We truly regret the error of his age, but we meant every word about his whiny little bitch of an attitude.

The Japanese prime minister's last name is not "F*ck You, Duh."
In our story, "Bush Sends China a Short Message Ahead of Beijing Olympics," we claimed Japanese Prime Minister Fukuda's name was pronounced, "F**k You, Duh." This is incorrect. The prime minister's name is actually pronounced foo-KOO-duh, which in Japanese means "pool boy for wealthy man."

We forgot to snatch up the digg handle "CutlassSoupReam" before posting the digg story.
Although our story, "Digg Users Hate Everything; Bury Internet," became the No. 1 story on digg.com, we missed an excellent opportunity to make comedy a reality. Our bad. You're welcome, jr cmuntington, a 20 year-old gentleman from IL (US) who joined Digg on July 7th, 2008. Honorable mention goes to digg user takatoo for trying.

Ass-Burger's Syndrome is not funny.
The picture we posted for the story, "McDonald's Pulls Recalled Tomatoes, All-Beef Patties, Special Sauce, Lettuce, Cheese," featured a woman afflicted with a rare disease known as "Ass-Burger's Syndrome." This is a serious medical condition and not a Big Mac. We apologize to everyone who vomited on their keyboard.

McCain: "I Know How To Win Wars ... and 'Battleship'"

2008-07-17T06:00:00.000-04:00

Posted: On a tiny, white plastic peg in B-5

ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. -- Sen. McCain has upped the ante in his battle for the presidency against Barack Obama. In a show of confidence of presidential proportions, McCain announced today that "the way to win the war in Afghanistan is by using the same strategies we used in Iraq."

"My friends, if you're talking about winning in Afghanistan, which last I heard we won six years ago, the best plan is to bankrupt the U.S. treasury, send soldiers into battle unprepared and underprotected, lie to the American public and fabricate intelligence. I can do these things and I will do these things when I'm President of the United States. I'm also pretty good at Battleship, which will help us plot strategy in our upcoming war with Iran."

The secret, McCain explained, is to place ships diagonally to throw off your opponent, even though they won't fit on the board correctly.

"That way, even if they get several hits, the enemy gets frustrated wondering why your ships haven't sunk," he said. McCain challenged Obama's ability to come up with a similarly creative plan.

"My friends, Senator Obama has repeatedly said that if elected, he would immediately withdraw his destroyer and PT boat. This is not only not smart, it's illegal," said McCain.

When asked about Sen. McCain's comments, Barack Obama said, "I'm more of a Risk kind of guy."

"We need to be as careful getting out of Yakutsk and Kamchatka as George Bush was careless getting in," he added.

Feds Bail Out Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac: Couple Sad to Learn They Meant Two Banks

2008-07-16T06:00:00.003-04:00

Posted: Last week, we swear. The postage must be wrong or something. We'll get that out today. That's a promise.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Treasury Department and Federal Reserve took a historic step yesterday in agreeing to provide additional lending support to Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae as they continue to incur mounting losses tied to multiplying mortgage defaults. The Greenville, Miss., couple was visibly moved by the federal government's generosity, which they heard out about while watching the local evening news.

"I don't know how the government came to find out that our little old family from rural Mississippi was having trouble making the mortgage payment, but we're extremely grateful," said Freddie Mac Gibson, 38. Buddy Piszel, Executive Vice President at the Federal Home Loan Mortgage Corporation, also known as Freddie Mac, laughed when he heard about the misunderstanding.

"I can see how these two would think we were talking about them and not two major banks," he said. "I mean, who names a bank Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac anyway? They sound like a candy company and a pasta dish named after a stand-up comedian. No wonder investors don't have any confidence in these two institutions."

But Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae Gibson are staying hopeful. "We're the only Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae in the tri-state area. Surely the federal government wouldn't let its own citizens lose their homes."

However, Piszel explained, the fact remains that the Gibsons need to pay their mortgage.

"They're three weeks away from defaulting, so they better get off their asses, stop watching sh*tty local news and figure out how to start paying us back," he said. "The government only bails out inefficient, top-heavy institutions that make questionable lending decisions who then come crying to us when their overreaching, insatiable greed gets them in trouble. We don't have time to deal with hard-working individuals who are $3,000 behind on their house payments. How dare they?"

"We want our money," he added.

Iran Test-Fires Missiles: U.S. Begins Wallet-Rattling

2008-07-15T06:00:00.006-04:00

Posted: In small type toward the bottom of the "Mission Accomplished" banner

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- As a provocative show of force against Israel and the United States, Iran test-fired seven medium- to long-range missiles and two deadly PhotoShop missiles late last week. The unarmed missiles as well as the non-existent ones were aimed at nothing in particular in an empty desert area inside Iran.

In response, Pres. George Bush immediately spent $500,000,000,000 on nothing in particular to show Iran that the United States means business and is not afraid to waste immense amounts of money on regime change that will eventually backfire as it unfailingly has in the past.

"Iran will be in shock and awe at the amount of money the U.S. is capable of throwing away to destroy their country and then prop up a weak, fledgling, ineffective puppet government. It's even proven that Arab peopleses in Arab countries probably love to be invaded by Americans," said Bush. "Someone told me that."

Bush's so-called "wallet-rattling" met with a swift rebuke from the Democratic-controlled Congress, who told Bush they would not fund his efforts. They then fast-tracked three blank checks to cover absolutely anything Bush wants until he leaves office.

"Now that's what I call 'cut and run,'" Bush said with a smirk. "It's like they cut the checks and I run and buy me some new camouflaged toys to show those Eye-ranians."

Big Oil Drops Prices: Gas Now $2.05 per Half-Gallon

2008-07-14T06:00:00.005-04:00

Posted: 4:00 minutes ago for regular, 4:15 ago for plus and 4:35 ago for premium posting time; ask me how to get 10 minutes back on your next story

IRVING, Texas -- Responding to the growing chorus of fed-up politicians and consumers angry about high gasoline prices, on Friday the nation's five largest oil companies slashed prices in half effective immediately. Gas, which averaged $4.10 per gallon for regular unleaded last week, is now holding steady at $2.05 per half-gallon.

"I want people to feel confident that they can buy gas without the psychological burden of common sense telling them that it's too expensive," said Rex W. Tillerson, CEO and chairman of ExxonMobil, the world's largest publicly traded oil company. "These are tough economic times for many, many Americans who aren't me."

One of those Americans, Lech Popinski, Tillerson's personal driver who was recently naturalized, precipitated the change when he mentioned how high gas prices were negatively affecting his family's tight budget.

"I fired him on the spot and turned his family in to Homeland Security," Tillerson explained. "But upon further reflection, I thought, 'He's right. I should do something.'"

After submitting Popinski's termination paperwork to human resources, Tillerson summoned his marketing team and challenged them to come up with a new pricing scheme.

"After crunching the numbers and spelling 'shelloil' and 'bigboobs' upside down on their calculators several times, those guys hit it out of the park," Tillerson said. "People should thank us. I could have gone with Henderson's idea to start charging $8.20 per double gallon."

Bush Sends China a Short Message Ahead of Beijing Olympics

2008-07-11T14:55:00.006-04:00

Japanese Prime Minister Fukuda knows exactly why Bush wants to be his friend in Beijing.

A Free-Ass. Extra!!!

WASHINGTON D.C. -- Pres. George W. Bush, who faced intense criticism at the G-8 summit for planning to attend the opening ceremonies of this summer's Olympic Games, chose a more passive-aggressive statement for the Chinese government.

Bush's press secretary announced this morning that Bush will attend the ceremonies with Japanese Prime Minister Yasuo Fukuda, introducing him to every Chinese government official they meet as "My good friend, F**k You Duh."

Budget Office OKs Reality Stimulus Checks for Mental Recession

2008-07-10T22:26:00.004-04:00

Posted: On this dumb guy's forehead

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Former Republican Sen. Phil Gramm, a top advisor to Sen. John McCain, said today that Americans who claim the economy is in a recession are delusional. "You've heard of mental depression? This is a mental recession," Gramm said.

Fearing an election-year backlash against Republicans, the Congressional Budget Office immediately approved millions of "Reality Checks" to help stimulate Americans' sagging mental condition.

"Republicans understand that Americans are dumber than most," said Republican Minority Whip Roy Blunt of Missouri. "This plan provides $300 for 'out-to-lunch' Americans, $600 for the 'somewhat slow' independent voters and $1,500 each for the wealthiest one-half of one percent of Americans; $3,000 for those who are married filing jointly." Sen. Barack Obama responded immediately to the plan.

"I want you to ask yourself: Are you dumber today than you were eight years ago?" The crowd of thousands responded with a resounding "Yes, we are!" while people still entering the event walked into walls, drooled on their neighbors and whined endlessly about the economy.

Pres. George Bush, on a golf outing, answered some impromptu questions about the new push, but stopped short of saying the word "recession."

"What we've got here is just one big American brain fart; our economy's at recess, but we're going to line everybody up holding hands behind this plan, just like we did with Iraq," he said. "Now watch this drive."

Can't Get It Up? F**k A Watermelon!

2008-07-10T06:00:00.008-04:00

A Chinese farmer shows off his ass-shaped watermelon. Boob shaped melons are also for sale in assorted sizes.

Posted: Wait, what was that headline?!?!

LUBBOCK, Texas -- Researchers at Texas A&M's Fornication Analysis Project (FAP) have discovered that watermelons contain arginine, a key ingredient that has the same effect on the body as the drug Sildenafil, more commonly known as Viagra.

"I've been f**king watermelons for years," said Dr. Derek Miller, the FAP's executive director. "But I never really thought about why. It just always felt really good. Maybe it was the seeds; maybe the pulpy rind. I needed answers -- and a Kleenex."

Miller's team found that in order to get the Viagra effect, a person would need to f**k more than 6 cups of watermelon in one sitting. The only problem is that watermelon is also a diuretic.

"It's like being stuck between a rock and a hard place -- literally. It's either whiz or jizz, and that just isn't a choice any man should have to make, especially when the captain is saluting like it's Independence Day. Peeing in that condition is the worst."

Dr. Miller is currently planning a civil union ceremony with an 8-pound seedless yellow honeyheart melon in August.

Florida Gov. Charlie Crist Is EnGAYged

2008-07-09T06:00:00.004-04:00

Posted: On my closet wall

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. -- Florida Gov. Charlie Crist, rumored to be on the short list for the vice presidential spot on John McCain's ticket, has gotten engaged.

People who know Crist well, like Sen. Larry Craig, say he has been listening intently, working hard and asking pointed questions when learning about topics he doesn't know.

"Charlie is really engaged these days," said Erin Isaac, Crist's press secretary. "So much so that he doesn't have the time to focus on a relationship with a woman. He's more interested in lowering taxes, making healthcare more affordable and leading the way on climate change for Floridians."

When told that Crist was actually engaged to be married to Carole Rome, his nine-month girlfriend and the 38-year-old president of Franco American Novelty Company, which sells Halloween costumes, Isaac was at a loss for words.

"Oh, that kind of engaged? Really?" she asked. "He has a girlfriend? Really? Are you sure? Wow. Wait, you're talking about the governor of Florida, that Charlie Crist, right? Huh. Amazing. Well, I guess he has finally found a partner for his masquerade."

If true, Crist would be the first gay governor to get engaged to a person of the wrong sex. However, sources close to Crist say that Carole Rome is actually a man in Franco American's best-selling costume, "Hot Young Brunette."

"I'm not gay," added Sen. Craig.

Big Bird Just a Costume! Day Care Center Riots; Grover in Hiding

2008-07-08T06:00:00.004-04:00

Posted: On the lid of Oscar the Grouch's new recycling bin condo

SESAME STREET -- The recent death of Kermit Love, creator of the bright yellow Big Bird costume, has left millions of children feeling angry and betrayed as they discover Big Bird was just a dude in a suit and that their parents have been lying to them about just about everything.

Riots broke out at elementary schools and day care centers around the country as the news began to spread last week. Not since the 1969 Tooth Fairy rumors sparked New York City's Stonewall riots has such widespread civil unrest occurred.

"The loss of innocence this news has caused has been absolutely devastating," reported Kermit the Frog -- who is real -- in a trench coat. "I've never seen a single event kill so much naivete."

Complicating matters even further, the Big Bird revelation now throws previous controversies over his drunken driving arrest and subsequent lawsuits into question.

After ruling out fair play in Love's death, investigators have arrested Maria, last name unknown, who ran the Fix It Shop with her husband, Luis, last name also unknown. Luis disappeared two years ago after allegations that the Fix It Shop doesn't really fix anything. Authorities would not say if there was a connection between that case and Love's death. Big Bird's attorney, Grover, has also gone into hiding.

Love's distraught widow, Courtney, wouldn't publicly comment about her husband's sudden death at 91, ignoring reporters when questioned as she exited her car at a Los Angeles Rowlf's grocery store.

"F is for 'f**k you,'" she said.

Digg Users Hate Everything; Bury Internet

2008-07-07T06:00:00.008-04:00

Posted: Right after it went popular, but just before it got buried

INTERNETLAND -- Digg.com users registered their insatiable discontent in a perfect storm of negative comments about so many articles that they unwittingly buried the entire Internet.

Within seconds of the interruption, the NASDAQ dropped 47 percent. The New York Times covered the NASDAQ story and tried to post it, but Digg users immediately buried the article for being inaccurate, boring and older than eight seconds.

"Keeeey-rist, NASDAQ is lame," wrote Digg user AxlRosewater. "How does this s**t ever make it to the front page? BURIED."

"Everyone knows that the NASDAQ dropped 46.99999999998 percent, not 47 percent," pointed out user CutlassSoupReam. "Plus, this was on the front page three minutes ago. Buried to make room for a real article."

According to Digg executives, the hours-long disappearance of the Internet was caused by an influx of top 10 lists, articles debunking rumors that Barack Obama is a gay, crack-smoking Muslim Manchurian candidate; and postings from The Onion and lame wannabe Onion imitators whose articles are always taken seriously despite being posted in the comedy section, where they are buried as completely unfunny and "f**king lame sh*t written by a 12-year-old."

Many Digg users were crestfallen at the shutdown.

"I don't know what happened," said Ward Boedeker, who runs a blog about vintage fondue pots out of his home in Chino, Calif. "My article was about to go popular with like 149 diggs -- and then it vanished. My life's dream of educating the public about hot cheese through a viral, grassroots effort on Digg ... gone!"

Digg's crack team, however, moved quickly to avert further crises by adjusting its convoluted algorithm so that users could begin mercilessly ridiculing everything again. No one knew about the move, however, because the notice, posted on Digg's front page, was immediately buried.

"Wannabe Digg executives," wrote user Diggdeeznuts. "Buried!"

What is the world saying about this article?
This became the #1 story on Digg.com on July 7, 2008.
Fat-Man-Collective Blog Post ... said Free-Ass. Press is his "new God."

Google Search Terms That Landed People at Free-Ass. Press

2008-07-04T06:00:00.021-04:00

Posted: On Google under "ass blast monkey politics"

INTERNETLAND -- In a tribute to free speech and freedom of the Free-Ass. Press on Independence Day, the Free-Ass. editorial board wishes to share with you a sampling of the hundreds of Google search terms that new readers have used to find our site.

Though we can't -- and don't want to -- see what people like this guy look like when they are alone and naked, we thought you'd want to see what they're typing. Happy 4th of July!

1. www.black boobs and ass sex.com
2. chelsea clinton braless
3. massive asses rachael ray
4. two all beef patties special sauce lettuce
5. clown shoe mcdonald
6. tom gimbel gay foreigner
7. arpey purple dragon
8. dr. david birdstein
9. vagina gas during sex
10. lattimore slaves in greenville south carolina

Honorable Mentions
-- audi lady ass
-- william hung porn film

Just Searched Last Night
-- how to get an ass expansion
-- free black huge mamas sex trailers

Obama Campaign Rick Rolls John McCain

2008-07-03T07:49:00.004-04:00

SEATTLE -- In their first town hall meeting today at Benaroya Hall, John McCain was present but Barack Obama surprisingly did not appear. With more than 500 local voters present, the Obama campaign played a prank on John McCain of presidential proportions. Obama "Rick Rolled" McCain.

"Rick Rolling" is a prank made famous on YouTube for which the sole purpose of the prank is to play the 1987 Rick Astley video "Never Gonna Give You Up."

When Barack Obama was introduced, a large video screen in the background lit up and played the Rick Astley video. The audience burst into laughter and applause.

"My friends, I don't find this at all humorous," said an angry McCain. "I don't support torture and I never will," McCain shouted over peals of laughter.

See the live video of this event.

While McCain was reeling from his prank, Obama campaigned in McCain's home state of Arizona and registered 7 million democratic voters.

McCain Unveils Environmental Plan: Build Death Star

2008-07-02T06:00:00.011-04:00

Posted: In docking bay 94

PIPE DREAM, Ariz. -- While Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama campaigned together last Friday in Unity, N.H., Republican presidential nominee John McCain unveiled his new plan to save the Earth from global warming in Pipe Dream, Ariz.

"My friends, my pragmatic, realistic, bipartisan plan is to relocate all Americans away from planet Earth by the end of 2011 once we build a fully operational, planet-sized battle station with a kick-ass laser to kill terrorists, planets and/or terrorist planets."

At a press event later that afternoon, an FAP reporter asked McCain how he plans to get all U.S. residents to the Death Star in an efficient manner. McCain waved his hand and said, "These aren't the answers you're looking for. Move along, you little jerk!"

McCain's plan also promises a sound intergalactic social security plan, free trade with Mars and free health care which includes immunizations from a floating round robot with a syringe.

"If I lose this election," McCain added, "I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine."

Top Chefs Race to Napa Wildfires as Tankers Drop Rare Cabernet

2008-07-01T06:00:00.004-04:00

Posted: At the time to make the wine

NAPA VALLEY, Calif. -- As wildfires burned thousands of acres of prime Napa Valley vineyards last week, the U.S. Forest Service's stainless steel air tankers were filled with the only liquid readily available in abundance: rare single-estate Cabernets and Pinot Noirs.

To reinforce the flying sommeliers, Forest Service officials called in hundreds of the nation's top chefs to prepare dishes that would best complement these wines. First on the scene was Mario Batali with four saucier pans, two 10-inch frying pans and a wok in his fat hands.

"The chance to cook my signature Bruschetta Al-Inferno with a 1990 Caymus Vineyards Special Selection Cab over a wild redwood fire is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity," he said. "Although I would have preferred the wine be delivered from oak casques instead of stainless because oak has more character, beggars can't be can't be choosers."

Also on the scene were several Food Network producers, who immediately began filming an episode "Iron Chef America" that featured 6,000 gallons of 2002 Opus One Merlot as the main ingredient.

Initially, police and firefighters had trouble keeping these chefs out, but when offered a sample of Charlie Trotter's dill and truffle risotto on tuilles with a 1941 Inglenook Grand Reserve Cabernet Sauvignon, they relented. Rachael Ray, however, was denied entry because her voice could not take any more smoke than it was exposed to while she was in college.

U.S. Forest Service Fire Chief Karen Walsh spoke to reporters about the fires' impact. "The smoke has an earthy hue with just a hint of oaky tannins," she said. "It definitely extends deep into your palette with a silky richness -- but it's not so thick as to be brooding."

Bill Gates' Retirement Postponed Due To Security Updates

2008-06-30T08:39:00.003-04:00

Posted: 01011001001010100001110100

SEATTLE -- The retirement party for Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates was cut short last Friday to allow for three hours and 28 minutes of multiple Microsoft Vista security downloads, service pack updates and patch installations.

Microsoft's human resources department tried its best to process Gates' retirement request. The department's computers, though, kept delivering pop-up messages every five f**king minutes asking if they wanted to install the updates and restart their computers.

"I think I'm going to shoot myself," said Gregg Arst, Microsoft's HR director. "Bill Gates can kiss my f**king a**, the c**k-s**king billionaire mother nerd f**ker! Tell Bill Gates to go f**k himself!"

"That's off the record," he added, one expletive-laden insult too late.

Seven hours, five restarts and two suicides later, Microsoft ultimately processed Gates' retirement request. He then made his final announcement to the company.

"So long, suckers -- I'm finally going to buy a Mac!"

China Installs High-Powered Luxury Showers for Olympics VIPs

2008-06-27T06:00:00.002-04:00

Posted: On a tank in Tiananmen Square

BEIJING -- In anticipation of the arrival of high-level foreign officials and guests from non-communist countries, China is rolling out the welcome mat. Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao has ordered workers to install high-powered luxury showers for all guests that the Chinese state deems "special."

This announcement comes on the heels of the redesigned Olympic torch, as reported by the Free-Ass. Press on April 16, 2008. Also available during the Olympics will be the Chinese minimalist shower where the VIP is secured to a massage table and water droplets are then dropped one by one on the person's forehead for hours on end.

Jacques Rogge, President of the International Olympic Committee, said he looks forward to experiencing this "exciting Oriental tradition."

McCain Marriage a Hoax; Cindy Appearances Just Recycled Clips from The Young and the Restless

2008-06-26T06:00:00.004-04:00

A Free-Ass. Exposé

GENOA CITY, Wis. -- After a stunning months-long investigation that entailed extensive speculation and TV watching at the gym during lunch, FAP has discovered that John and Cindy McCain are not actually married. In fact, Cindy McCain isn't even real.

"Cindy" is just another elaborate scheme concocted by Genoa City socialite and troublemaker Gloria Bardwell. The only thing she craves more than money is power -- according to court records from the twice-widowed gold-digger's divorce from third husband Jeffrey Bardwell, the surviving twin of District Attorney William Bardwell, her second husband who died of a stroke late last year before he could uncover a murder plot involving Gloria and some tainted Jabot face cream -- and Sen. McCain has it in spades.

Gloria's son and lawyer, Michael Baldwin, has advised her that pretending to be a presidential candidate's wife is not a very good idea and will only get her into trouble, especially considering poll numbers showing Sen. Barack Obama with a significant lead over McCain.

"Are you crazy?" he asked, in his hysterical half-whisper. "I can't leave you alone for five minutes. Does [my half-brother] Kevin know about this?"

"No, and I don't care," she said. "I love John McCain, and there isn't a damn thing that you, Jeffrey Bardwell or Jack Abbott can do about it."

Gloria then dramatically exited the room, sensually putting on her elbow-length, leopard-print gloves as her son stared at the door for at least five seconds before the show went to commercial. To cool her heels while CBS aired an ad for the Mr. Clean® Magic Eraser® With Febreze® Fresh Scent, Gloria ate lunch at the Genoa City Athletic Club, the only restaurant in the entire city. It was there that she ran into the other senator in her life: Jack Abbott.

"Well, hello Gloria," he said with his signature cocky smirk as he worked through a handful of cocktail peanuts. "Or should I say, 'Cindy'? How's the presidential race treating you?" Before she could answer, Newman patriarch and billionaire business tycoon Victor Newman appeared at the back of the room.

"You've been damn fooling people all these years, Jack Abbott," he screamed for no apparent reason. "Did you put her up to this? Don't forget: I've derailed your state senate ambitions, and I'll sink John McCain too. You got that?"

Yahoo! Searches Yahoo! Finance for Yahoo! Answers About Yahoo! Buyout

2008-06-25T06:00:00.006-04:00

Pictured at right: Yahoo! CEO Jerry Yang and his ego in the purple polo.

Posted: Just after we found out Yahoo! Answers tackled one of our stories. Check it out!

YAHOO!LAND -- After turning down a $9 billion deal to sell to Microsoft last week, Yahoo! CEO Jerry Yang continued his ridiculous junior high game of "I'm selling." "No, I'm not." "Yes, I am." "No, I'm not," until he and other Yahoo! executives finally concluded that they are immature, completely indecisive and needed some Yahoo! Answers.

Some of the responses to Yang's question, "Should Yahoo! sell to Microsoft?," included: "You're gay," "Discount Viagra, only £24.63!," and "Jesus loves Jerry Yang."

To which 13-year-old Yang replied, "It's mine! You can't have it. I hate you and you're stupid C++ java script." In a statement released after receiving Yang's Yahoo! Answers, Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates said, "I think it's time to call the Wambulance! Wah! Wah! Wah! Do you want some cheese with your whine? Jerry Yang is a doo-doo head!"

When FAP pointed out to Yang that $9 billion could feed every person on the planet for a day, he said, "I don't care! I don't care!" before running away to his 47,000-square-feet estate, where he slammed the door and then slumped to the floor, sobbing with his head between his knees.

"It's not fair!" he screamed.

U.S. Gov't Gets Environmentally Friendly Weapons

2008-06-24T06:00:00.007-04:00

Pictured at left: The Pentagon's new environmentally friendly nuke with an organic shiitake mushroom cloud that looks good enough to eat!

Posted: In the WMD section at Whole Foods

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The U.S. military has announced an initiative to use more environmentally friendly weapons in times of war. Secretary of Defense Robert Gates called the initiative "a necessary step in the war against global warming and terrorists."

Some of the weapons include organic mustard gas, Agent Orange with real orange peel that naturally cleans as it kills, grenades made from recycled milk jugs, bunker-buster bombs loaded with seeds and Miracle-Gro so that after a bunker explodes and kills the f**k out of any living organism within 2 square miles, the dirt seeds itself and a beautiful red, white and blue wildflower mix grows in its place.

"We are also trying to make weapons that are seasonal, organic and local," said Gates. "Though Iran has offered to assist in this effort by making their IEDs in factories right next door to Iraq, we have declined because they are not organic, despite being local."

After employing Iraqis to make bullets using fair-trade, single-estate gun powder, Americans then shoot those Iraqis using the same bullets. In a word: recycling.

"We will save approximately 700 tons of carbon per day by shooting Iraqis with locally made bullets," Gates added.

He also has future plans to employ Russians in making "green" nukes. Through its actions, the military has also promised to create homegrown terrorists in the next few years, though their yields tend to be radical and unpredictable, despite also being local.

Astronauts Hardest Hit By High Gas Prices

2008-06-23T06:00:00.005-04:00

Pictured at right: The George W. Bush appointee/look-alike who thought of the brilliant idea.

Posted: In T-minus five, four, three, two, one

CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. -- With fuel prices in the U.S. now averaging $4.07 per gallon and climbing, no one has been harder hit than NASA astronauts. To lessen that impact, NASA has announced that it will now allow its non-essential astronauts to telecommute.

"We were seeing a steady exodus of astronauts leaving the space program for jobs where they can earn $10,000 a month working at home in their underwear," said NASA Administrator Michael Griffin. "There were just too many yellow signs nailed to telephone poles near the base. Way too many."

Although it looks very cool, driving the Space Shuttle will cost you. The shuttle burns 540,000 gallons of fuel just to go 200 miles, costing $2,197,800 to fill the tank. If you rent the Shuttle from Hertz, that jumps to $3,421,675. That's roughly 3.7037 x 10-4 miles per gallon, which ranks just slightly more fuel-efficient than the Hummer H2, which gets 3.7036 x 10-4 mpg.

"I mortgaged my house twice for our last trip -- twice!" said Cmdr. Kenneth Ham, pilot of STS-124, the Space Shuttle's most recent flight. "Why would I do that again when I can work from home and wear my favorite, 'One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor' shirt?"

When asked how an astronaut telecommutes to work, Griffin said, "It's easy: Google Universe. You just zoom way in at whatever you want to look at. It's kinda pixelated, but no one knows what the f**k that stuff looks like anyway. Then, I do all my hands-on experiments in the bathtub."

Astronauts who still ride the Shuttle, though, say it's worth the high fuel cost.

"I've got three words for you: Chick. Mag. Net," said Capt. Brent W. Jett, Jr., commander of STS-115.

NASA is now attempting to engineer a more fuel-efficient vehicle for when they retire the Space Shuttle program in 2010. Currently, NERF and Estes are vying for a multibillion dollar contract to create a 50-foot-tall version of the foot-pump rocket.

Free-Ass. Corrections

2008-06-20T06:00:00.008-04:00

Posted: See, this is just awkward now because I know I'll have to apologize for this posting some time later.

As a public service, the editors at Free-Ass. Press wish to correct a few minor mistakes that both our loyal readers and three very loud digg haters have brought to our attention regarding past stories.

Strawberry Shortcake is Not Mexican
In the story, "Americans Won't Let Mexicans Do Jobs Americans Won't Do," we ran a picture of Strawberry Shortcake. It was brought to our attention that our photo implied that Strawberry Shortcake was Mexican. This is inaccurate. Strawberry Shortcake actually comes from Strawberry World where it rains strawberries, and custard rivers flow, and everyone is happy, unlike Mexico.

Misspelling of "F**k"
Several readers pointed out to our editorial board that the banner in our story "Bush Gets 'More Specific' Banner" had a misspelling. The banner read, "What The F**k Were We Thinking?" "F**k" should actually have been spelled "F**k." We apologize for any confusion or wars this oversight may have caused.

Obscene Photo of Some Dude's "Nutz"
It was brought to our attention that the photo in "'Truck Nutz' May Get Neutered" shows a gentleman who appears to have his genitalia hanging below his pickup truck's bumper. This was an unintended optical illusion. We apologize to the man in the photo, although we have received reports that his love life has taken a turn for the better since our story was published. He thinks it was the truck. We think it was the Nutz.

Inaccurate Posting Time ... again
It was discovered that the Free-Ass. story "Reviews of Summer Blockbusters We Haven't Seen Yet" had an inaccurate posting time. The story listed, "November 5th, 1955." The actual posting time was the day it was posted, not November 5th, 1955. We regret that anyone cares when our stories get posted.

Non-Specific Details on Bombing of Syria
In our story, "U.S. Will Obliterate Syria 'Probably Wednesday or Thursday,'" we quoted U.S. Secretary of Defense Robert Gates saying the U.S. would bomb Syria "probably Wednesday or Thursday." However, we did not specify which Wednesday or Thursday. The Syrian government confirms that their Blockbuster Video with North Korean management is still under construction.

John McCain Proposes Tax Breaks to Unborn Children

2008-06-19T06:00:00.008-04:00

A Free-Ass. photographer captures the exact moment McCain thought of this brilliant idea.

Posted: Just after it was conceived

ATLANTA -- Republican presidential nominee Sen. John McCain, on shaky ground with many pro-life voters in the Republican base, is trying to woo them with a new proposal offering generous tax breaks to unborn children.

"My friends, life begins at conception and so do tax breaks," McCain said at a campaign stop in Decatur, Ga. "Children are being evicted from their mother's uteruses every day. Under my plan, they will be able to afford to stay in the uterus indefinitely -- or at least until they're back on their feet again."

McCain's several-point plan also outlines tax breaks for children who provide up to 17 twinkles in their parents' eyes per fiscal year as well as for children who are housing-dependent imaginary friends.

"My friends, Senator Obama says this plan is ludicrous but I ask you, my friends: Are unborn children ludicrous?" he asked. "Senator Obama, the baby-murdering, imaginary-friend-hating, tax-and-spend Muslim thinks so."

David Copperfield Plans to Make Israel Disappear

2008-06-18T06:00:00.004-04:00

Posted: On flash paper that then turned into a bird that then turned into a $100 bill

LAS VEGAS -- In his boldest illusion yet, magician David Copperfield has announced plans to make Israel disappear in a one-hour TV special to air later this summer on CBS.

As a Jewish American, Copperfield took Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's recent statement that "Israel will soon disappear" as extremely offensive and inappropriate, and vowed to do something about it.

"These hateful words are a direct challenge to my magic skills," Copperfield said. "You can't just waltz in and say, 'I'm going to make Israel disappear.' Do you know how many mirrors, curtains and perfectly positioned video cameras it takes to get a whole country to disappear? A lot."

Copperfield's past illusions include making the Statue of Liberty vanish; walking through the Great Wall of China; and making the world believe a guy who does magic can get someone as hot as Claudia Schiffer to marry him.

When told by his First Vice President Parviz Davudi that Copperfield had already made the Statue of Liberty disappear on TV nearly 25 years ago, Ahmadinejad became visibly upset and sawed Davudi in half before making him disappear.

Midwest Floods; FEMA Races to New Orleans

2008-06-17T06:00:00.005-04:00

FEMA Chief Michael Chertoff was asked at a congressional hearing which part of his head he uses for thinking.

Posted: On the door of the flooded city hall in Iowa City

NEW ORLEANS -- After a string of record-breaking floods and disasters in the Midwest, the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) instantly sprung into action, dispatching its most elite emergency response team to New Orleans.

"We heard on the news that Hurricane Katrina hit, and we aren't going to let the people of New Orleans down," said Michael Chertoff, secretary of the U.S. Department of Homeland Security. "That's a promise."

Just the sight of FEMA made New Orleans residents climb trees and strand themselves on rooftops hoping to avoid getting help from the agency, which, according to FEMA officials, just learned about Hurricane Katrina this week after accidentally taking a left at the Mississippi River instead of a right on its way to Iowa from Washington, D.C.

"What's FEMA?" asked Leroy St. Croix, a resident of New Orleans' Lower 9th Ward.

When told that FEMA was a disaster relief agency overseen by the federal government whose administrator ultimately answers to the president of the United States, St. Croix waved his hand dismissively.

"Black people don't care about George Bush," he said. "Isn't FEMA that company that makes those cancer-filled trailers?"

Sen. Larry Craig Marries Lover in Quaint Bathroom Ceremony

2008-06-16T06:00:00.008-04:00

Also married over the weekend were Ellen DeGeneres and her partner, actress Portia de Rossi. Republican presidential nominee Sen. John McCain escorted DeGeneres down the aisle.

Posted: As a centerfold in "Congressional Quarterly"

SAN FRANCISCO -- Sen. Larry Craig (R-Idaho), despite being opposed to same-sex marriage, has apparently widened his stance on the issue. Earlier today, Craig arrived at San Francisco City Hall to wed Sgt. Dave Karsnia, the Minneapolis Airport plainclothes police officer who busted him in a bathroom last June. The nuptials can move forward thanks to a recent California Supreme Court ruling that struck down a ban on gay marriage.

"With this foot, I thee flirt," said Craig to his betrothed, who then handcuffed Craig and slapped him playfully in the face.

The private ceremony was held in a quaint public bathroom on the third floor at San Francisco City Hall. In an interview after the ceremony, Craig said, in his highly oratorical and completely off-putting voice, "We wanted all of the heat to die down before we went forward with this. Well ... not all the heat."

Craig vowed to love and honor Karsnia and never admit that he is actually gay. He also vowed to continue to ruin the institution of marriage with his current wife, Suzanne.

Guests in the other stalls included disgraced megachurch leader Ted Haggard, former Rep. Mark Foley (R-Fla.) and Washington State Rep. Richard Curtis, who all cried and hugged before releasing statements condemning gay marriage and voicing their unwavering support for a constitutional ban on gay people, marriage, rainbow flags, Teletubbies and Melissa Etheridge.

"It's how we always imagined it," said a teary-eyed Craig.

"I'm not gay," he added.

What is the world saying about this Free-Ass. Story? Check it out...
Towleroad blog
Just Out blog

Obama Veep Vetter Vetted for Better Vetter Voter

2008-06-13T05:00:00.003-04:00

Posted: After Valentine's Day but before Veterans Day

VIRGINIA BEACH, Va. -- One of Sen. Barack Obama's three Veep vetters, Jim Johnson, was vetted via voicemail for a better vetter-voter Vednesday. Obama vehemently and viciously vetoed his veep vetter who vociferously voiced his various vapid and voluminous vagueries, views and vantage points.

Obama verbalized that he will vanquish McCain and voice victory by veering not in vain to find a vastly better vetter with a venerable, versatile veneer vis-a-vis a value-added, varied veep-vetter varietal voter.

Obama vowed not to vacation but remain vigilant in valuing a visionary VIP veep virtuoso to vitalize voters and voyage him to victory in his new vocation.

Asked to voice his opinion, very likely loser Sen. John McCain volunteered: "Obama's a vagina."

Hillary Lost Because Bill Didn't Sleep Around Enough

2008-06-12T06:00:00.005-04:00

A Free-Ass. Exclusive

NEW YORK -- In the post-election analyses, experts believe that Sen. Hillary Clinton lost the Democratic presidential nomination mostly because of her husband, former President Bill Clinton. Though his tirades against Vanity Fair reporters and his kinda-sorta, not-really-racist, because-Bill-is-supposed-to-be-black-too comparisons of Sen. Barack Obama to the Rev. Jesse Jackson didn't help, the issue became clear.

Bill Clinton simply couldn't bed uncommitted superdelegates fast enough.

"I slept with 286 superdelegates in 17 months, including Rep. Barney Frank [D-Mass.]," Bill Clinton said. "That's about 1.78 superdelegates per day, and when you're my age, you know what '.78' means."

Some attribute Hillary's loss to math and fair-and-square voting that put Obama over the top, but Bill says it was all him.

"It takes time to get these folks drunk and giggly and then coax them into your caravan of SUVs to do the 'Superdelegate Samba,' all while keeping the Secret Service and Hillary distracted."

Clinton has said he plans to take some time off before campaigning for Obama.

"If you thought superdelegates were hard to please, wait until you meet the electors who make up the Electoral College," he said. "I'll need Al Gore to go tag team with me."

McDonald's Pulls Recalled Tomatoes, All-Beef Patties, Special Sauce, Lettuce, Cheese

2008-06-11T06:00:00.003-04:00

Posted: Next to the only Big Mac available in the United States

McDONALDLAND -- McDonald's restaurants are pulling all tomatoes from their sandwiches because of a salmonella scare that has affected the entire tomato industry. Out of an abundance of C-Y-A, however, McDonald's will pull several other ingredients.

The list includes all-beef patties (botulism outbreak); Special Sauce (nobody knows what the f*** it's made of outbreak); lettuce (E. coli outbreak) and cheese (papillomatosis outbreak; also known as "cheese disease").

"We are committed to the safety of our patrons," said Randy Stine, Assistant Associate Executive Safety Officer for the Golden Arches, "even if they just sit in our restaurants and stare at the wall, which most of them do."

Though they claim the rest of their food is safe, a local McDonald's gave this reporter second- and third-degree burns from the way-too-hot coffee and f***ing scorching fruit pies made of apple magma.

McDonald's famous song for the Big Mac has also been repenned to reflect the change: "Two all-hmmm patties, special hmmmm, hhhmm-hmmm, hmmmm; hmm-hmmmm, hmm-hmmmm on a sesame-seed hmmm."

God Blames Pat Robertson for String of Violent Storms

2008-06-10T06:00:00.007-04:00

Posted: On our gay, liberal, activist, hippie, commie Web site

HEAVEN -- After the upper Midwest and Plains states received a lashing of violent thunderstorms, tornadoes and flooding over the past week, local residents were left seeking answers amid the soaked rubble of their destroyed homes and communities.

That answer came from the Big Man himself.

"I have warned Pat Robertson that if he continues to blame gays, liberals and 'judicial activism' for bad weather -- weather that I have repeatedly said I delegate out to the apostle level or lower -- that I would really give him something to complain about," said a vengeful God. "Christ, he makes me crazy."

Ironically, Robertson recently began appearing in an ad fighting global warming alongside the Rev. Al Sharpton for wecansolveit.org, a Web site created by The Alliance for Climate Protection, the organization of Interwebs founder and former Vice President Al Gore.

In the television ad, Robertson and Sharpton share a sofa on a clearly green-screened beachfront. Sharpton mentions how he ends up on "the left" on most issues. "And I'm usually right," Robertson says, a comment for which the Federal Trade Commission has fined Robertson $3.4 million for blatantly false advertising.

"I would just kill him, but he's gonna be so clingy when he gets to heaven," God added. "So much for intelligent design."

What is the world saying about this Free-Ass. Story? Check it out...

Yahoo! Answers
Roundtable

$2.9B in Folgers Stock Secretly Replaced With Smucker's Stock

2008-06-09T06:00:00.005-04:00

Posted: Next to my iced soy half-caf mocha no whip no foam

The J.M. Smucker Company, which, with a name like Smuckers, just has to be made fun of, announced last week that it agreed to buy the Folgers coffee brand from Procter & Gamble for $2.95 billion in stock.

The hostile takeover was a surprise to Folgers executives, who only found out about the sale after an English gentleman told them that he had secretly replaced the fine Procter & Gamble stock they usually hold with J.M. Smucker's stock.

"Let's see if anyone can tell the difference!" he added.

Smucker will also assume $350 million of Folgers debt, which was incurred when Procter & Gamble executives expensed more than 7 million cups of Venti-sized Starbucks lattes over three years in an attempt to come up with a non-shitty alternative recipe for Folgers.

"We Proctor and Gambled and lost," said Karen Walsh, Folgers' chief concept officer. "What we found in our research was that our coffee f***ing blows and I mean, it blows hard. Have you tried this stuff? Seriously, like vomit in a cup, whisk in some caffeinated dog diarrhea and drink it. That's what it tastes like. I can't believe we sell this sh*t."

Analysts said the deal comes as no surprise. However, to sweeten the deal, Smucker's shareholders will also receive a one-time special dividend of 14 packets of Equal and a Garfield mug that says, "I Don't Do Mornings."

"No amount of Equal can offset that taste," Walsh added. "I think I'm gonna be sick."

William Hung To Star In Adult Movies

2008-06-06T06:00:00.004-04:00

Posted: Just after I sold my soul to be an entertainment beat reporter

TARZANA, Calif. -- The adult film industry is abuzz with the news that William Hung, the "American Idol" failure who went on to become a bigger star than most past Idol winners with his ridiculous version of the Eagles' "Hotel California," will star in his own series of awkward adult movies.

His first film, "She Bangs," was released today. It shows an awkward Hung as a civil engineer who gets propositioned by every hot woman in his office. The film is considered a watershed in the porn industry because of its fantastic portrayal of women working at engineering firms, which are typically sausage parties.

"These films are rather minimalist," says producer Kirk Zipfel. "They're unique in the fact that Hung never gets it together enough to take his clothes off and actually have sex with anyone. But these films are going to be big money makers because we're marketing them toward the malorthodontiaphilia crowd. They go nuts for this guy."

As of press time, Hung had no plans to change his name, despite a pending lawsuit by veteran adult film actor Karl Hungus, star of 1970s adult film "Logjammin'."

Hunger Summit Attendees Start Food Fight

2008-06-05T06:00:00.002-04:00

Posted: On my fourth trip to the Ponderosa buffet

ROME -- This week, the United Nations Food and Agriculture Organization hosted a gathering of world leaders for a hunger summit, which aimed to gain commitments from attending nations to donate money and food for global famine relief.

The summit quickly turned sour when, during the opening black-tie dinner, Saudi Arabia's foreign minister called the ambassador from Finland a "lutefisk-eating infidel."

During the melee, a starving child looked on from outside, his ashen face pressed against the cool glass window. He asked, "What does sour taste like, Mama?"

Seconds later, the food began flying. The Italian delegation hurled gobs of risotto Milanese -- a delectably creamy arborio rice scented with saffron, shellfish, sausage, grated Parmesan, white wine and rare herbs. The Finland group then returned the favor, tossing pumpkin and shrimp-filled tortellini, each time slathering more diplomats with delicious buttery sauces and herbed accoutrements that were just too good to eat.

Initially, just a few tables participated in the fight until three chefs with tall hats and Swedish accents randomly wheeled in large carts full of goose liver paté for the scheduled food-sculpting contest. Mayhem ensued as diplomats began flinging paté and wrestling, covered in the supple, fatty goodness.

Other Hunger Summit events scheduled during the week were unaffected and included a pie-eating contest and frozen turkey bowling.

At the end of the conference, U.N. Secretary General Ban Ki-moon announced, "So, who's still hungry?"

"I am," whispered the young mother whose lips were a crusty white from dehydration as she began eating her shirt.

Clinton Concedes Election Isn't Over

2008-06-03T21:45:00.002-04:00

Posted: By the less popular winner of the popular vote

NEW YORK CITY -- In an address to her supporters and campaign staff last night as Sen. Barack Obama achieved the "magic number" of delegates to claim the Democratic presidential nomination, Sen. Hillary Clinton graciously conceded that the election isn't over.

"I called Sen. Obama a short time ago and wished him well," Clinton said to a loud chorus of boos from her supporters. "No, no, no. Come on, people. Let's give credit where credit is due. He has run a fantastic race, and I have made clear to him that I will do everything in my power to support the Democratic nominee this fall."

"And I've asked him to do the same," she added.

Obama, en route to the site of his historic speech at the Xcel Energy Center in Minneapolis to claim the nomination, simply rolled his eyes.

"Are you f***ing kidding me?" he said to a pool reporter on his campaign plane. "I give up."

Clinton Launches Pre-emptive General Election

2008-06-03T00:00:00.006-04:00

Posted: 50 yards from a South Dakota voting precinct

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Taking a cue from the George Bush playbook -- the pop-up version, with pictures -- Sen. Hillary Clinton's campaign announced at a rally today in Yankton, S.D., that the New York senator is now the official Democratic presidential nominee and that she will launch a pre-emptive general election at "a time and place of my choosing."

"We cannot afford to wait any longer for the American people to cast their ballots," Clinton said to a group of supporters at the Yankton High School gym. "If my opponent won't declare victory, what else will he neglect to do as president? My ambition can't afford to find out the answer to that question."

Dozens of angry, middle-aged, braless women cheered Clinton on while carrying torches and threatening to burn any male within 50 yards, except former Pres. Bill Clinton, who they inexplicably still adore, despite his possessing every quality that strong women find completely offensive and contrary to their feminist sensibilities. Though she does not have -- and will never have -- enough delegates to officially win the nomination, Clinton remained steadfastly oblivious.

"We are going to bring peace and democratic democracy to America," she continued. "The American public will greet us as liberators -- women's liberators!"

Sen. Barack Obama had no comment, but did pull out a note pad with a short list labeled "Barack's VPs?" and crossed one name off.

Clinton capped off her "Beginning of the End of the Beginning of the Campaign" campaign kickoff rally by driving an M1 Abrams battle tank across the Yankton town square and pulling down a 20-foot-high bronze statue of Obama.

What is the world saying about this Free-Ass. article? Check it out...
Newsvine.com

Rachael Ray Announces Allegiance to Donuts, Al Qaeda

2008-06-02T00:00:00.005-04:00

Posted: In the garbage bowl, next to the f**king E-V-O-O

NEW YORK CITY -- Dunkin' Donuts has pulled a recent TV ad that featured Rachael Ray wearing a keffiyeh -- a traditional scarf that symbolizes Middle Eastern violence to many Americans. In the ad, Ray, in her gravelly, ex-smoker, sorority-girl-sounding voice that emanates from her sick Joker mouth, claimed allegiance to "Al Qaeda and donuts. Yum-o!"

The ad was part of a Dunkin' Donuts marketing campaign for a new series of donut flavors, including "Jelly-had," "Tora Bavorian Kreme," "Powdered Envelope Cake," "I-E-Dee-Clair," "Yellowcake" and grape.

After a massive public outcry, Dunkin' Donuts shelved plans to roll out the new flavors, however, company executives said their decision had nothing to do with the Ray flap.

"These new donut flavor names were purely a coincidence," said Will Kussell, Dunkin' Donuts president and chief brand officer. "Reading anything more into these perfectly harmless names would take a real stretch of the imagination." Late yesterday, Ray tried to clarify her statements.

"What I meant to say was that the streets will run red with raspberry jelly," she explained. "I apologize for creating any confusion between delicious donuts and holy jihad."

Reviews of Summer Blockbusters We Haven't Seen Yet

2008-05-30T00:00:00.008-04:00

Posted: November 5th, 1955!

As a public service to its readers, the Free-Ass. editorial board has reviewed three of this summer's most semi-anticipated movies. Because this is a shoestring operation, we don't have the eight bucks to buy three movie tickets, so we just (p)reviewed them based on the limited, incredibly biased and likely wrong information we've been able to gather based on our preconceived and totally arbitrary notion of what makes a movie "good."

The Incredible Hulk
Warning! This article contains spoilers.
Guess what? It's the same f***ing ridiculous Hulk story from the last movie and the TV show before that and the comic book before that, except that it's not directed by Ang Lee, so there's no artistic misunderstood Hulk angst and it's not on TV in the '70s so there's not that Dr. Jekyll and Mr. "Courtship of Eddie's Father" feel, although Lou Ferrigno will likely make a cameo with Stan Lee. It's 90 action-packed minutes of toy-marketing destruction with a PG-13 rating to make it seem edgy to 11-year-olds. Plan for a no-story, oddly Edward Norton revival with a pseudo-"Fight-Club-on-green-steroids" feel and a Hulk so obnoxiously muscular, it will make that superhero-drawing kid in high school jealous. We give it two big green Free-Ass. thumbs down and predict it will rake in the rough equivalent of our national debt on opening night. God bless America.

You Don't Mess with the Zohan
We like when a preview verifies our instincts about a movie so we don't waste two hours of our lives sitting through it. Zohan looks like an uncomfortable Israeli-themed comedy with an over-the-top Adam Sandler (sorry for the redundancy) performance as an AK-47-toting hairdresser. It's "Zoolander" with a hilarious twist on the Middle East conflict -- which isn't hilarious, by the way. You will leave the theater apologizing to your Jewish friends and wondering why you've never met a Palestinian. John Turturro covered the whole concept of the nondescript, ethnic character 10 years ago when he said, "Nobody f**ks with the Jesus." He was right. So are we. Don't mess with the Zohan.

Wall-E
Rent "Finding Nemo." Pretend all the fish are robots.

Have a four-and-a-half star Free-Ass. weekend!

Hillary Sends a Letter to Superdelegates; CC's Santa Claus

2008-05-29T00:00:00.006-04:00

Posted: In a land where math doesn't exist

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Sen. Hillary Clinton took her case directly to the superdelegates yesterday in a long letter explaining why she believes she is the Democratic party's strongest candidate to face off against Sen. John McCain in November's general election.

As a failsafe for her unconvincing argument, Clinton also copied Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, God and "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" producers on the letter, according to top Clinton campaign officials.

In the letter, Clinton cites a number of reasons why she should be the one to singlehandedly bring defeat to an un-unified Democratic party in the general election instead of forcing Republicans to earn the victory. She pointed out her recent landslide victories in Kentucky and West Virginia and that she's been really good this year.

"In the past two weeks, I haven't said anything bad about Sen. Obama, not even once!!!!!!" she wrote. "Except for the assassination comment, which was taken way out of context -- even though it was true."

"People who call my argument weak that Sen. Obama can't win crucial states in the general election because I won them in the primary are the same people who don't believe in you, Mr. Claus," she continued. "Well, I do! And for you, Ms. Tooth Fairy, let's just say my very expensive da Vinci veneers spend a lot of time under my pillow. Instead of leaving me quarters, please donate the maximum allowable amount of $2,300 to www.hillaryclinton.com. Thank you!"

God, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy have yet to endorse a candidate, but "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" star Ty Pennington has endorsed unannounced third-party candidate Norm Abram, host of "The New Yankee Workshop" on PBS.

Indy 500 Drivers Upset: Gas Prices Rose 3 Times During Race

2008-05-28T08:20:00.010-04:00

The numbers on the pole at Indianapolis Motor Speedway represent the price per gallon of gasoline at each driver's pit.

Posted: at 219.0873652 mph

INDIANAPOLIS -- The 33 drivers participating in last Sunday's 92nd running of the Indianapolis 500 were distracted by sky-high gas prices, which rose three times during the race, causing several crashes and an exceedingly high number of caution flags.

After Ryan Briscoe clipped Danica Patrick's car in pit row on Lap 171, Patrick exited her car in a fit of rage. Instead of confronting Briscoe, she made an aggressive beeline toward her refueling crew to give them a piece of her mind.

Track sources say that earlier in the race, Patrick's Citgo card had been declined for being over the limit during a routine pit stop. Patrick nearly ran out of gas before her crew was able to cobble together the $584 required to fill her IndyCar's 35-gallon tank for another 28 laps of racing.

"I'm just the fuel guy; I don't set the prices!" said Gianni Cutri, the head of Patrick's three-member refueling team as he ran to hide in an opposing team's garage.

"That's what they all say," Patrick replied. "I don't buy it from the local gas station, and I don't buy it from you." She then shoved him before security intervened and walked her back to her garage, where she began throwing things after seeing her most recent Citgo statement lying on a workbench.

Later, three accidents occurred on pit row when local radio station Q95 held a "We'll Buy Your Gas" promotion between laps 110 and 112. Some drivers were still in line at Lap 158. Local radio hosts "Bob and Tom" were heard giggling the entire time even though nothing funny was happening.

Scott Dixon, winner of this year's race, had a bittersweet ending in Brick Row when he was asked to pay for the milk he drank as part of the traditional celebration.

"That shit ain't free," said Indy Racing League CEO Tony George. "Have you seen the price of milk lately? It's worse than gas!"

Next year, the Indy 500 will be retitled the Indy 290, and most drivers are pledging to drive a Toyota Prius in the race, according to George.

"I don't know what I was thinking driving such a gas-guzzling Formula 1 car all of these years," famed driver Helio Castroneves said. "I'm definitely in the market now for something more practical and with more seats, so [Penske Racing teammate Ryan] Briscoe and I can carpool."

What is the world saying about this Free-Ass. Story? Check it out...
OhMyGov!
TGDaily

Check out our Free-Ass. group on Facebook. Just search for Free Associated Press and sign up!

SEN. CLINTON SURVIVES SELF-INFLICTED FOOT ASSASSINATION

2008-05-27T00:00:00.003-04:00

Posted: Right next to her "hard-working Americans, white Americans" comment

SIOUX FALLS, S.D. -- During a routine question-and answer session last Friday with the well-known and widely read Argus Leader newspaper's editorial board, Democratic presidential hopeless Sen. Hillary Clinton remarked that she should continue her bid for the White House just in case somebody "pulls a 187 and puts a cap in Obama's ass."

Moments later, Clinton tried to put her comments in context by referencing Sen. Robert Kennedy's tragic murder before he was able to secure the 1968 Democratic presidential nomination.

"Somebody's gotta be Number Two," Clinton said, continuing to dig her candidacy's grave. "You don't see people telling Avis Rent-a-Car to stop doing business because they can't beat Hearse. I mean, Hertz. I said Hertz."

The Obama camp responded quickly, criticizing what they called Clinton's careless words.

"Instead of unsubtly hinting at the possibility of an early death for a President Obama, perhaps Sen. Clinton should concentrate more on doing what she does best: shamelessly groveling for the vice-presidential spot," said David Plouffe, Obama's campaign manager.

Not to be outdone, Clinton's campaign hastily organized a press conference at a diner in San Juan, Puerto Rico, where she brandished a .22-caliber rifle sewn into her Oval-Office-blue pantsuit, pulled back the hammer and shot herself in the foot, all while maintaining that creepy, cheeky, concrete smile.

"See how fragile life can be?" she asked rhetorically. "How easily one can go from pandering to a crowd of voters to randomly shooting myself in the foot for no particular ..."

"Ow," she added, before vowing not to seek medical attention because she's a "fighter who doesn't quit," her oft-used catchphrase that confuses principled feminism with just being a sore loser who doesn't know how to bow out gracefully.

COURTS TO DECIDE IF MONKEY IS PERSON OR MONKEY

2008-05-23T00:00:00.005-04:00

Posted: On the spare tire of Jane Goodall's Range Rover

LONDON -- Animal rights activist Paula Stibbs is fighting to have London courts declare a chimpanzee named Matthew to be a person. The defense argues that the monkey is rather a monkey as its species suggests.

Stibbs wants to be appointed Matthew's legal guardian and to do that, Matthew must be recognized as a person. The sanctuary where he is living is facing foreclosure.

"The time where any monkey can get a mortgage is over," said defense lawyer Bradley Smith. "Trying to legally make him into a person won't fix the fact that he should never have applied for the loan in the first place. Banks don't accept bananas. Period."

"We're not trying to make him human," said Stibbs. "I just want his official status to be a 'person 87,000 years delayed' so that I can help him out of this tough situation."

Although denying that it gives loans to monkeys, the Bank of London reports that recently humans and monkeys alike have tried to pay their mortgages by writing "one million billion pounds" onto a banana and sending it in.

FAULTY MANAGEMENT WIRING PROMPTS AMERICAN TO BEGIN CHARGING FOR FIRST CHECKED BAG

2008-05-22T00:00:00.015-04:00

Posted: 93 minutes ago, when I first got into this line

FORT WORTH, Texas -- American Airlines announced this week that it would begin charging $15 for every passenger's first checked bag, in addition to the $25 fee it began charging last month for second bags checked. The airline will also cut up to 12 percent of its flights and lay off thousands of workers to combat the record-high fuel prices and incompetence plaguing the industry.

American, the nation's largest airline, has said the fee will go into effect June 15 and that it would begin implementing fees for other services, including arriving safely at one's destination; getting passengers to their connecting airport in time to make their next flight; and not losing the luggage passengers paid $40 to check. The fee for these extra services will range from $5 to $50 per service, depending on the airline's unclear, ever-changing rules and their utter inability to communicate them properly to front-line staff on any given day. The charge for a conversation with a competent staff member will be 25 cents per word.

In addition to employee layoffs, American also announced plans to again strand hundreds of thousands of passengers at airports across the country like it did in April. The move is a strategic one designed to get people to fly with other carriers so that American can ground flights and avoid paying for fuel entirely.

"Der, now the other airlines will have to pay for all the fuel," said Gerard Arpey, chairman and chief executive at American, as he clapped his hands wildly and then began coloring in his "Dora the Explorer" coloring book.

"I like pie," he added.

As of press time, no other airlines have followed suit with American's fee hike, although Southwest Airlines announced that it plans to remain perfect.

OIL PRICES JUMP ON PROSPECT THAT OIL PRICES WILL JUMP

2008-05-21T00:00:00.002-04:00

Posted: On the NYMEX

RIYADH, Saudi Arabia -- President Bush was laughed out of Saudi Arabia earlier this week after he warned the Saudis they were running out of oil. The price of a barrel of oil immediately spiked again on the prospect that prices were going to spike again, causing a spike in speculators speculating that the price of oil will spike again.

"I tried to fill my gas tank after it was already full because I know I'll need more gas soon," said Jim Gregson, a Chicago taxi driver. "Most of it spilled on the ground, but for the first time, I think I topped it off really well." Inexplicably, several asshole Hummer owners cheered at the idea of skyrocketing gas prices.

"We bought these huge vehicles because we love to pay for gas," said B.J. Johnson, a tanning salon owner and personal trainer from Louisville, Ky., who then chugged a Red Bull after kissing his overtanned bicep. "If we don't buy gas, the terrorists win." Johnson then threatened to kick this reporter's ass when he was informed that the truth is, in fact, the exact opposite of that.

"Well, if you don't get out of here, then I win," Johnson continued. "How's that sound?"

OBAMA ORGANIZES FAT LADY CONCERT

2008-05-20T00:03:00.003-04:00

Posted: Under the lid of Mark Penn's toilet

PORTLAND, Ore. -- Though not declaring victory outright, Sen. Barack Obama's campaign has decided to strongly hint that he has won the nomination by organizing a free concert tonight in Little Rock, Ark., at the William J. Clinton Presidential Center and Park.

The lineup will feature some heavy hitters from the world of overweight female singers, including Aretha Franklin; that girl from "Hairspray;" "American Idol" loser and Oscar winner Jennifer Hudson; Queen Latifah; and the lead singer from that pop-punk band "The Gossip."

Obama's campaign has recently employed other passive-aggressive events to try to claim victory such as skywriting "You suck!" above Clinton campaign headquarters and burning a mustard yellow pantsuit in effigy, but to no avail. When asked to comment on Obama's apparent claim of victory, Clinton spokesman Howard Wolfson praised the female vocalists and said it was just a coincidence that the multiple not-overly-slender women were singing at an Obama event, in Little Rock, at the Clinton Library, the moment after the polls closed in Oregon.

"This is just more of the same partisan attacks that we've come to expect from the Obama campaign," he said. "Every time they have a compelling argument rooted in sound logic, facts and mathematics, they have to run to the media like a little tattle tale. Frankly, the American people are tired of it, and by the American people, I mean this campaign's staff."

MCCAIN LAUNCHES SPANISH-LANGUAGE WEB SITE: THE STRAIGHT HABLA EXPRESS

2008-05-19T00:00:00.010-04:00

Sen. John McCain, in a recent speech, dons the world's largest sombrero.

Posted: Lengua en mejilla

WASHINGTON D.C. -- Republican presidential nominee Sen. John McCain's campaign has launched a Spanish-language Web site this week to court the growing number of Latino voters in the U.S. It is called "The Straight Habla Express."

The new site, www.johnmccain.com/espanol, offers a welcome letter to Latinos:

"Dear Amigos,

Bienvenidos to America! Unfortunately, you shouldn't be aqui. Pero when I'm el presidente, you can expect that you and your familia will get deportado ... pronto, unless you can vote. Then I really hope you see through my tough amor, my mas o menos racism as well as my elitist lenguaje and vote para mi. I promise that I will make sure you stay securidad in America, but in the meantime, your familia has to vamanos. Comprende?

Your amigo,
Juan McCain

The Straight Habla Express"

The Web site also features interviews with prominent Latino leaders, or "Ladrones" in Spanish. They endorse McCain and his message of hope. In one video, Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa lauds McCain: "Carrera y oculta! McCain es el diablo!"

McCain says he is proud of the strong endorsements from Hispanic heavy hitters such as Villaraigosa, adding that Latinos have contributed greatly to America.

"Just look at Ernesto Pablo Montoya Miranda," McCain said. "Without him, arrested illegal immigrants would not have the right to remain silent. In fact, when I'm elected president, I'll insist they remain silent."

HOMELAND SECURITY DEPORTS ROCK BAND "FOREIGNER"

2008-05-16T00:00:00.006-04:00

Posted: After a round of head games

WASHINGTON D.C. -- Amid a growing chorus from true rock fans who hate power ballads, the U.S. Department of Homeland Security this week began formal deportation proceedings against the 15 current and former members of 1970s rock band Foreigner.

"I don't understand," said Lou Gramm, the band's original vocalist, who left the group in 2003 to actively pursue failure with uninteresting solo projects. "We're an American band."

"Grand Funk Railroad is an American band,” said Michael Chertoff, secretary of Homeland Security. “Foreigner is named Foreigner. Americans need protection from these hot-blooded bands of musical terrorists."

When asked where the band was being deported to, Chertoff said, "Back to Foreignerterroristlandistan -- where they belong.” According to Google Earth, Foreignerterroristlandistan is located midway between East Bumblef**k and South Jesus.

The initial raid, carried out by a team of U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents at a small, unremodeled Holiday Inn in Moline, Ill., netted Foreigner's six current members: Mick Jones, Jeff Jacobs, Tom Gimbel, Kelly Hansen, Jason Bonham and Jeff Pilson. Pilson faces extra charges for having played bass with Dokken and Dio in the 1980s.

This raid was noteworthy for preventing what could have been a devastatingly unsuccessful tour on the homeland.

NBC NAMES FALLON NEW HOST OF "LATE NIGHT"; SHOW WILL KEEP O'BRIEN'S NAME

2008-05-15T00:00:00.024-04:00

Jimmy Fallon indicates the number of shows he hopes to tape before he's canceled, a la Chevy Chase.

Posted: In the Patch Adams SNL sketch from the 1999 season premiere, for example

NEW YORK CITY -- NBC Universal executives this week announced that "Saturday Night Live" veteran Jimmy Fallon will bring his brand of insecure, uncomfortable, constantly character-breaking and mediocre-at-best acting to late night television, replacing "Late Night's" current host, Conan O'Brien, who will move on to replace Jay Leno as host of "The Tonight Show."

To hedge against the inevitable mass exodus of viewers, NBC will continue to call the show "Late Night with Conan O'Brien," in the hopes that viewers who don't like Fallon will continue to watch thinking that Conan may arrive at any minute.

"Please God, grant us this one miracle," said everyone.

"I'm really happy to have the opportunity to ... ," Fallon started saying, before interrupting himself by giggling.

" ... Host this now-legendary show," he tried to continue. "It's going to be fun to come up with new ...," he snorted, breaking into full laughter, then lamely covering his mouth with his hand and hanging his head low in that sheepish, "Aren't I cute? Let me milk this for more laughs than it deserves even though I'm doing nothing to earn them, despite the fact that everyone else in the sketch is displaying the discipline to keep it together while I'm selfishly ruining it for the other, much more talented players on stage with me" manner.

" ... variations on the, 'No, yah retahded' bit," he finally concluded.

CLINTON LEARNS SECRET TO SUCCESSFUL CAMPAIGNS: HUGE BOOBS

2008-05-14T13:00:00.008-04:00

FREE-ASS. EXTRA!!!

Posted: Against the driver's side windows in the car wash scene in "Cool Hand Luke"

WHEELING, W.V. -- In a "Come to Jesus" moment for Sen. Hillary Clinton last week, she unintentionally encountered her first Obama supporter in person. The realization of why Obama had been winning so handily over the past few months hit her like a brick ... house. Because of the boobs' suppleness and largesse, Clinton initially didn't even notice Obama's name on the woman's T-shirt:

"OBAMA 08"

It was the thing that her campaign had been missing since the beginning: huge, ginormous boobs.

In an effort to improve upon the Obama Mama's impressive publicity display, Clinton introduced her own army of top-heavy supporters in West Virginia to help put Clinton's name to mammary for gawking male -- and some female -- Democratic voters there.

The Clinton campaign hired 22,000 women with a double D-cup or similarly billboard-like bra size to campaign for her in -- not coincidentally -- the Mountain State, wearing:

"hillary C l i n t o N for president."

As a result, Clinton racked up a 41-point victory and 57 percent of the male vote.

DETERGENT SUICIDE FAD REMOVES 100% MORE LIFE THAN LEADING METHODS

2008-05-14T00:00:00.004-04:00

Posted: On the permanent (Free-Ass.) press cycle

TOKYO -- A recently deceased man in northern Japan has made headlines by killing himself with a lethal cocktail of detergent fumes. He is the latest in a series of 50 such suicides using this newest way to off oneself in the land of the rising Sun®.

"The Tide® is turning," read a statement from the Japan Statistics Bureau & Statistics Center. "In a Bold® move that is ushering in a new Era® of creative suicides, the crude Arm & Hammer® self-murder has given way to this new, Seventh Generation® of suicide methods."

"The Gain® in detergent suicides is cause for alarm in All® countries, not just in Japan," said Tashiko Hadeki, vice president of sales and marketing for Matsumura Fishworks and Tamaribuchi Heavy Manufacturing Concern, makers of Mr. Sparkle® detergent.

Mental health experts caution people to look for the warning signs of a person who is considering suicide by detergent. They include: a formerly bubbly person feeling Downy® and no longer showing Cheer®; a spouse or companion not wishing to Snuggle®; a real go-getter not showing a Bounce® in his or her step; or a normally outgoing person who begins to Dreft® from friends and loved ones.

All® of these signs, or any combination of them, should be cause for Ultra® caution. No one knows this better than Rhonda and Randy Nga. Their son, Sam, was Wisk® -ed away by detergent suicide in 1992.

"It still hurts Everyday, Living® with the guilt of this," Rhonda said. "I want to Shout® to all the parents of this great Country: Save® your own kids before you end up in our situation. I wish we could have pressed him harder on this delicate issue, but when it was All® said and done, this was Sam's Choice®, Purex® and simple."

For more resources on suicide by detergent, please Surf® the Internet. For more Free-Ass. frivolity, check out these fluffy stories:

CREATOR OF DUNGEONS & DRAGONS DIES AT DUNWOODY APOTHECARY
NEW CLEMENS PR STRATEGY STRONGLY SORT OF DENIES STEROID USE

OBAMA LAUNCHES "MCCAIN IS SO OLD..." JOKE CAMPAIGN

2008-05-13T00:00:00.018-04:00

Posted: Inside the big tires during recess

GARFIELD PARK, Ill. -- After taking considerable heat in conservative circles last week for saying Sen. John McCain might be "losing his bearings," Sen. Barack Obama has gone even further in his rhetoric to make McCain's age a central campaign issue.

At a press conference on a junior high school playground on Chicago's South Side, where, as we have all heard 4 million times, he first worked as a community organizer 20 years ago, Obama today announced that he is going old school on McCain, yo.

"John McCain is so old, his social security number is 1," Obama started out to loud applause, hooting and a smattering of "No he didn'ts."

He continued, "Oh, I'm just getting warmed up. John McCain is so old, he sat next to Jesus at the first supper. In fact, he's so old, he does, in fact, remember the Alamo."

In a swift rebuke, John McCain began telling a "Barack is so black ... " joke before the Secret Service quickly yanked him off the playground and spirited him to the safety of a room full of old white guys in suits telling racist jokes, where he would be rendered unidentifiable to the hordes of people who wanted to kick his ass.

For another John McCain embarrassment, check out this Free-Ass. story:

MCCAIN ORGANIZES "MILLION HUMMER MARCH" ON WASHINGTON

TOP TEN SONGS WHITE GUYS BITE THEIR BOTTOM LIP TO

2008-05-12T00:00:00.008-04:00

Posted: Right after I finished making a Scorpions, Whitesnake, Def Leppard mix tape for my girlfriend.

As a service to our readers, the Free-Ass. Press publishes these top ten popular songs that white guys love and bite their bottom lip to in an attempt to "rock." They are listed in no particular order*:

4. Barracuda--Heart
6. Rock You Like A Hurricane--Scorpions
1. Eye of the Tiger--Survivor
3. Foreplay/Long Time--Boston
5. Alright Now--Bad Company
10. Separate Ways--Journey
2. Old Time Rock 'n' Roll--Bob Seger
9. Rock of Ages--Def Leppard
8. I Want to Know What Love Is--Foreigner
7. Shadows of the Night--Pat Benatar

*Note: This is a non-comprehensive list and it should be noted that white guys bite their bottom lip during any song that has a clap break.

JASON CASTRO ELIMINATED FROM IDOL; VOWS TO FIGHT ON UNTIL CONVENTION

2008-05-09T00:00:00.005-04:00

Posted: When was this posted? We'll tell you right after these commercials ...

HOLLYWOOD, Ca. -- American Idol contestant, Jason Castro, was eliminated this week from the popular singing competition. However, in a strange turn of events, Castro plans to contest the vote "all the way to the convention."

Castro contends that many votes were not counted in his voting strongholds of Florida and Michigan because, "They called in before the end of the show. A vote is a vote. This is far from over. I'm going to fight on until the convention and then hmm hmm hmm ..." Castro then forgot the rest of what he planned to say and hummed "Mr. Tambourine Man."

When asked what she thought of the American Idol scandal, Hillary Clinton said, "Can't he see that America doesn't want him? This contest was over a long time ago. These wannabes get so caught up in being famous. It's just sad. What America really wants is the young, optimistic, hopeful songs of David Archuleta."

STUDY: 83% OF PEOPLE FIND VOICEMAIL INSTRUCTIONS "REALLY HELPFUL"

2008-05-08T00:00:00.003-04:00

Posted: Para español, marque numero dos en este momento

People have no idea how to use voicemail.

That is the conclusion of a new study published this week by the Center for Vocal Postology at Indiana University-Purdue University-Indiana State University-DeVry University, Indianapolis campus.

Although voicemail has been around for more than 25 years, the most aggressive advances in the field within the past decade have come from the advent of instructions for use.

Before instructions, many callers would have been lost without the robo-babe, whose name the FAP editorial board thinks is Jennifer, saying: "If you'd like to leave a message, press 1 or wait for the tone. To page this person, press 5 now."

"I had no idea what I was doing. There was a beep and then what? What does a beep mean?," remarked Hank Paulsley, a satisfied consumer. "Now that there are instructions, I understand. AND I listen to them every time."

Few people know that you can actually turn them off, but according to Hank, "why would you do that?"

CLINTON CAMPAIGN LAUNCHES VIDEO GAME; "GRAND THEFT ELECTION"

2008-05-07T00:00:00.007-04:00

Posted: Just before Bill and Hillary went to their separate bedrooms

INDIANAPOLIS, Ind. -- Last night, Democratic Presidential Candidate Hillary Clinton's campaign announced its latest multi-media effort: a video game called "Grand Theft Election."

"Grand Theft Election is a game where you get to be a candidate running for president," said campaign manager Maggie Williams. "You choose your character, you choose your pants suit and then you pick from an array of seedy campaign managers. Then you get to crusade through the fictional town of 'Indianapolisville' stuffing ballot boxes, disenfranchising voters, running negative campaign ads, and stealing super delegates from other election offices at gun point. There's even a 'nuclear option' easter egg hidden in the game."

John McCain responded by posting a YouTube video claiming he holds the all-time high score on "Grand Theft Election" which he achieved by bankrupting the Middle Class, deporting anyone who "looked like George Lopez," and incarcerating everyone who believed in hope.

Also in a swift rebuke to Clinton, Barack Obama's campaign announced their release of a "Guitar Hero" song ... Metallica's "Ain't My Bitch."

If you're depressed about the election, maybe try stand-up comedy! Chelsea did:

CHELSEA LAUNCHES "NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS" STAND-UP COMEDY TOUR

MORTGAGE CRISIS: SURPRISED OFFICE DANCERS LAID OFF

2008-05-06T00:00:00.004-04:00

Posted: Annoyingly close to something else you are reading that is far more important

INTERNETLAND, U.S.A. -- In yet another indication of the worsening mortgage crisis, the surprised office dancers from those pop-up mortgage ads that appear no matter where you f**king go on the Internet, have been laid off.

Both Rhonda Lattimore and Betty Fordham became famous by dancing around their cubicles like complete fools and then acting surprised when they noticed they were being filmed for an incessant, maddening three-second loop.

"How am I going to pay my mortgage now?" a lost Lattimore asked rhetorically and ironically. "After all the loan business I brought them, they throw me out on the street like an unattractive and obnoxious cubicle worker slacking off on the job?"

Also let go in the downsizing were two shadowy salsa dancers and a 1940s German business man in a brown suit. A lanky, purple wizard avoided being laid off but has since been given reduced responsibilities.

Even Sen. Hillary Clinton has suffered from the downturn, albeit voluntarily. In answering the "Should Hillary Quit?" ad that appears over and over and over on The Drudge Report and other popular news sites, Clinton has agreed to step aside for the good of the Internet. The ad where George Bush is making a monkey face, however, will still run.

Now that you've lost your job, check out these other Free-Ass. layoffs:

RECESSION PROMPTS DNC TO LAYOFF 600 SUPERDELEGATES

AMERICANS WON'T LET MEXICANS DO JOBS AMERICANS WON'T DO

2008-05-05T00:00:00.005-04:00

Posted: In Mexico and then smuggled into John McCain's home district

TEMPE, Ariz. -- Pro-immigration Americans argue that immigrant Mexican workers are needed to do the jobs that Americans won't do. In a special Free-Ass. investigation conducted in conjunction with the Center for Xenophobic Hogwash at Bob Jones University in Greenville, S.C., FAP has identified the top five jobs Americans won't do and won't allow Mexicans to do either. They are:

1. Assisting Hurricane Katrina victims
2. Pulling troops out of Iraq
3. Regulating financial markets
4. Enforcing immigration laws
5. Picking strawberries

Extending an olive branch in order to reach a meaningful compromise, the Bush administration has offered temporary guest worker status for Mexicans who want to pick strawberries.

"Once these folks pay their $25,000 fine and all back taxes as well as prove they own a home and have comprehensive health insurance so they don't strain already inadequate American resources, then they are welcome to begin picking strawberries," said Secretary of Labor Elaine Chao.

Chao continued, "Of all the jobs Americans won't do, picking strawberries is of primary importance. Think of the consequences if they didn't: no strawberry jam, no strawberry shortcake, no strawberry ice cream. If Mexicans don't pick strawberries, the terrorists win."

Looking for a job? Check out this Free-Ass. job opportunity:

AL QAEDA SEEKS WESTERN-LOOKING RECRUITS

BUSH GETS "MORE SPECIFIC" BANNER

2008-05-02T12:00:00.005-04:00

FREE-ASS. EXTRA!!!

Posted: Should have been five years ago

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The White House has admitted fault in having President Bush speak in front of the "Mission Accomplished" banner five years ago aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln.

"The banner should have been more specific," said White House Press Secretary Dana Perino.

So today, the president delivered another speech on the same aircraft carrier, this time displaying a new and more specific banner.

"Sooooo? Everyone looking forward to January?" asked Bush to no one in particular.

CLINTON CHALLENGES OBAMA TO LINCOLN-DOUGLAS DEBATE; OBAMA CALLS "DIBS" ON LINCOLN

2008-05-02T00:00:00.006-04:00

Posted: In the campaign office of the Whig party

RALEIGH, N.C. -- In a desperate attempt to put those electric paddles to the chest of her dying campaign, Sen. Hillary Clinton this week challenged Sen. Barack Obama to a "Lincoln-Douglas"-style debate, where the candidates square off against each other with no moderator.

Although Obama has already declined a North Carolina debate with Clinton, upon hearing the challenge, he immediately responded, "I call Lincoln!" and then proceeded to do a touchdown dance, spike his Blackberry and proclaim, "In your face, Rodham! Woot! Woot!"

Clinton has yet to react publicly to Obama's having "called" the role of Lincoln, who eventually went on to win the presidency and free the slaves. However, a senior adviser to her campaign did note that Abraham Lincoln was not black and is not currently a superdelegate.

FAP polls show that superdelegate slaves favor Obama two-to-one.

The Guam election is tomorrow. Check out this Free-Ass. prophetic coverage:

CLINTON CAMPAIGN SAYS GUAM IS A "MUST WIN"

SURPRISE EXPANSION TEAMS FLOOD NFL DRAFT

2008-05-01T00:00:00.004-04:00

Posted: In the third, fourth, sometimes fifth round

NEW YORK -- Several NFL teams this week were caught by surprise when 32 surprise expansion teams gobbled up roughly 14,000 NFL draft picks. In a highly unusual end run around the league's clear rules on ownership, every one of the new expansion teams is owned by a D. Petraeus, a little known sports figure currently living overseas.

Some of the new expansion teams had peculiar names like the Fort Hood 22nd Infantry Regiment, the Selfridge 107th Fighter Squadron (also known as the "Red Devils") and the Fort Carson (Colo.) White Buffalos.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said he was excited about the expansion teams.

"They will represent an entirely new conference called the NFC-Middle East," he said. "It's a big conference with a lot of players. They will play all of their games at Halliburton Field in Baghdad. It will be convenient since all those guys will be there anyway."

When asked if this was a thinly veiled attempt to get new recruits for the American military, Goodell said, "What a cynical thing to ask. Of course not. Football is war. So is war. Why not marry the two? We need to win something over here."

Can't get enough Free-Ass.? Check out this article or go to Vegas and ask for Bunny:

AL QAEDA SEEKS WESTERN-LOOKING RECRUITS

"TRUCK NUTZ" MAY GET NEUTERED

2008-04-30T00:00:00.002-04:00

Posted: Where a truck's nuts would be if trucks had nuts ... which they don't.

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. -- A state lawmaker in Florida has proposed a ban on "Truck Nutz," the uncreatively named plastic bull testicles that hang from the trailer hitches of unoriginal truck owners across the country.

Led by Republican Sen. Cary Baker, a gun shop owner who represents the residents of Eustis, Fla., the proposed ban has touched off a virtual tsunami of adolescent jokes and bumper stickers, such as "Keep Your Laws Off My Nutz," "I'm Pro-Balls ... and I Vote" and "Don't Sack the Sack!"

Democratic State Sen. Melinda Carlysle, (D-Pembroke Pines, also known as "PP") has come under fire for supporting the ban. "It's not that I am anti-balls," she said in an exclusive interview with FAP. "It's that I'm pro-vagina. Years ago, us women's libbers hung plastic vaginas from our Subarus which were immediately outlawed because they made a loud whistling noise when driving on a windy day. I'm just looking for equal protection under the law. If a guy should be able to let his [plastic] balls hang down, then I should certainly be granted the same courtesy with my [plastic] vagina."

Upon hearing of the odd controversy, Sen. Barack Obama proposed a compromise that would allow truck owners to hang just one fake testicle or one half of a plastic vagina from their hitch. Sen. John McCain had no comment but promises to show his "nutz" to the American people as soon as he can find them.

CLINTON RAISES $10M FROM 80,000 NEW SUCKERS IN SUBPRIME CAMPAIGN MARKET

2008-04-29T00:00:00.007-04:00

Posted: Too little, too late

CARMEL, Ind. -- Campaign officials for Sen. Hillary Clinton announced today that her campaign has raised $10 million from 80,000 new suckers since her win in Pennsylvania last Tuesday, most of whom are facing foreclosure.

In a press conference today, Clinton spoke with renewed vigor ahead of the Indiana and North Carolina primaries, the latter of which she has zero chance of winning.

"I'm going to take this academic exercise all the way to the convention, all the way to the credentials committee and all the way to the courts if I have to!"

By all accounts, even private ones from the Clinton campaign, it is a near impossibility that New York's junior senator can win the Democratic presidential nomination.

She has, however, gone on record as saying she won't let facts get in the way of her blind, lust-ridden and careless ambition. She has even replaced her current campaign theme song, Celine Dion's unremarkable and never-heard-of "You and I," with another, actually popular yet still unremarkable Celine Dion song, "My Heart Will Go On" from the movie, "Titanic."

"Remember what happens at the end of the movie?" Clinton asked. "Rose lives on and Barack Obama freezes and drowns, buried at the bottom of the ocean in a watery grave, his youthful exuberance, hope and idealism never to be heard from again until the still-beautiful Rose recounts her story 84 years later."

RICE TRIED TO TELL CARTER "NO HAMAS" IN BOTCHED TEXT MESSAGE

2008-04-28T00:00:00.003-04:00

Posted: Last Thrsday pork going store once ten CUL8R.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In what she has called a colossal misunderstanding that happened late last week, U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said she tried to tell former President Jimmy Carter not to meet with Hamas but her text message was bungled thanks to her Blackberry's "auto complete" feature that predicts the next word when composing a message.

"I thought I had been very clear in my text message to former President Carter," Rice said. However, FAP, through the same Israeli teenager who broke the Syria story last Friday, obtained a copy of the text message. The precise text message read:

"Jimmy nuts umbrella gonna rain try not sushi. J/K! Hamas hummus terrorist sure meet at Applebees Israel. BTW LOL!!!!"

Carter admits receiving the message from the State Department. "When I texted Secretary Rice my reply, 'WTF?' she wrote back, 'Hot yoga studio in Iran is my administrative bitch yo got a big war hawk ass Kroger monger. ROFL!!!! :)'"

For another well-intentioned error, check out this Free-Ass. story:

AP CHAIRMAN REFERS TO "OBAMA BIN LADEN"

U.S. WILL OBLITERATE SYRIA "PROBABLY WEDNESDAY OR THURSDAY": GATES

2008-04-25T00:00:00.008-04:00

Posted: Inside Iran's nuclear weapons facility

SPACE -- Unnamed U.S. officials told unnamed F.A.P. reporters today that unnamed congresspeople would hold a closed-door briefing in an undisclosed location to view sort-of conclusive evidence that named country Syria did in fact have a nuclear reactor -- which they hadn't named yet when Israel took it out last September.

F.A.P. obtained the conclusive proof which is a satellite photo from 175,000 feet above Earth showing a nondescript dirt road in the desert leading to a nondescript open space which may possibly be a nuclear reactor, a smudge on the camera lens or a new Blockbuster Video location. That information remains classified, according to unnamed officials.

The photo, obtained by an Israeli teenager searching Google Earth, also showed "striking similarities" to a nuclear reactor built by North Korea -- or Iran, or Hamas, along with most likely Russia, Guatemala or Bolivia -- or any of the possible 120 combinations of these six countries.

"We'll probably bomb Syria back to the Stone Age on Wednesday or Thursday," said Secretary of Defense Robert Gates. "We saw this sort of conclusive evidence with Iraq. We can't sit idly by while Syria paves a dirt road in an extremely remote, completely inaccessible desert location that may or may not have anything to do with anything."

Republican presidential nominee John McCain spoke about the pending crisis at a press conference.

"My friends, this is part of my plan to solve the housing crisis," he said. "It's simple supply and demand. If home prices are dropping, you need to reduce supply. How do we do that? By bombing the f**k out of Syria."

Build your own Free-Ass. bomb shelter! Print out 8,000 copies of these articles (don't feel guilty about that, either; Earth Day was Wednesday -- you did your part already) and bury yourself underneath them:

RECESSION PROMPTS DNC TO LAYOFF 600 SUPERDELEGATES
BUSH THROWS SURPRISE 5th BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR IRAQ WAR

SIX FLAGS TO OPEN "F***ING AWESOME AMERICA" THEME PARK IN MIDDLE EAST

2008-04-23T00:00:00.009-04:00

Posted: In your face! (because we're American like that)

DUBAILAND, U.A.E. -- Six Flags, the world's No. 2 amusement park operator behind The Walt Disney Company, which is the world's No. 2 media conglomerate behind Time Warner, which is not even close to being the parent company of the Free-Ass. Press, is partnering with Marvel Entertainment, D.C. Comics Inc., Halliburton, Anheuser-Busch Companies, Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer and Smith & Wesson to open the Middle East's first theme park.

"Six Flags F**king Awesome America Invading Dubai" reflects years of extensive market research conducted among Arab nations regarding the issues they find most offensive and/or entertaining, according to top executives involved in the deal.

"We were going to call it 'Six Flags Over Dubai' to keep the park's naming consistent with other Six Flags parks around the world," said Marvel Entertainment's Vice Chairman and CEO, Isaac Perlmutter. "But our market research showed that Americans firmly believe that Arab countries probably love to be invaded by Americans."

The new park will feature a Captain America and Wonder Woman Stunt Spectacular where women free themselves from patriarchal oppression by throwing off their burkhas to reveal American flag thong bikinis. They then flee by jumping jet skis across the border into the park's "Americaland" section, where they receive free ice cream and political asylum.

The park will also feature a Bugs bin Al-Bunei kids show where he is constantly chased by the bumbling El-Mer Fahd.

Admission to the park is 2,500 dirham, however attendees can get five dirham off with a specially marked can of Coca-Cola, which in Dubai costs 8,700 dirham.

This story not American enough for you? Suck on this f***ing awesome Free-Ass. American-ness:
BUSH ANNOUNCES PAUSE IN LYING ABOUT IRAQ PROGRESS
EGG MCMUFFIN CREATOR DIES; TO BE BURIED IN HUGE FORK-SPLIT ENGLISH MUFFIN

MCCAIN ORGANIZES "MILLION HUMMER MARCH" ON WASHINGTON

2008-04-22T00:00:00.013-04:00

An Earth Day Special

Posted: No trespassing

PITTSBURGH -- In a special Earth Day event, Republican presidential nominee John McCain called for a summer-long "gas-tax holiday" from Memorial Day through Labor Day. To celebrate that holiday, his campaign is hoping to organize 1 million Hummer H2 owners from across the country to drive to Washington, D.C., with their air-conditioners set to "high."

Without the 18.4-cent federal tax that helps maintain and build new roads and bridges, gas prices will temporarily go from a national average of $3.50 per gallon down to $3.32 per gallon.

"My friends, the struggling Hummer owner will now be able to take that $5.89 per 32-gallon fill-up he's saving and stimulate the economy by putting that money toward paying down his interest-only mortgage -- or the payment on his time-honored, obnoxious symbol of American decadence. That's real progress, my friends." Hillary Clinton's campaign fired off a scathing response to McCain's plan before he officially announced it.

"I heard that Sen. Obama has a friend who has a neighbor whose landlord signed up for this drive which once again brings up legitimate questions about his electability," she said, before being interrupted by a snickering college newspaper reporter who asked Clinton if her husband has ever had a "Hummer."

"If he has, I sure didn't give it to him, " she snapped. "I know Arnold Schwarzeneggar tried to give him a Hummer once, but my husband thought it would feel funny getting that kind of thing from the California governor. I know that I will never give -- or receive -- a Hummer when I'm president. That's a promise."

After peals of laughter rolled through the press corps, Clinton responded, "What? What?"

For more Free-Ass. ways to waste your time, check out these beauties:
APE PRIES RIFLE FROM HESTON'S COLD DEAD HANDS
JIMMY JOHN'S NOW CHARGING FOR FREE SMELLS

FREE-ASS. SPORTS BEAT -- POPE PITCHES SHUTOUT AGAINST N.Y. JEWS

2008-04-21T00:00:00.002-04:00

Posted: During the homily

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Last Thursday, Pope Benedict XVI made his first appearance at Nationals Park. He helped pitch a two-hitter shutout to lift the Washington Catholics above the New York Jews. He pitched six innings before the closer, Cardinal Michael O'Malley, brought the heat -- the white light kind, not the Hellfire kind -- and finished off the game.

"We got crucified out there!" said Rabbi Arthur Schneier. "Our star hitter, Herschel Rabinowitz, had one of his worst at-(Shab)bats of the season. The pope's like the Michael Jordan of ... of ... name your sport. Who wouldn't want the pope on their team? In our heyday, we had Moses. Best sinker in the sport. Now the Catholics got the B-man. I'd hate to see what kind of pitcher Benedict XVII will be."

The Catholics and the Jews have been rivals since their leagues split more than 2,000 years ago. Their rivalry also made popular the tradition of kosher Vienna Beef hot dogs at baseball parks.

"The team might complain, but we're practicing on the Sabbath," Schneier added. "We're the Shalom team here in New York, and we're not going to lose here."

NEW CLEMENS PR STRATEGY STRONGLY SORT OF DENIES STEROID USE

2008-04-18T00:00:00.008-04:00

Posted: In my right butt cheek, sort of in the middle where it's kind of fatty and doesn't draw blood

SPRING, Texas -- In a new public relations offensive meant to blunt accusations of steroid use that continue to dog him, Roger Clemens, through his badly toupeed lawyer, Rusty Hardin, denied ever using steroids -- but admitted briefly possessing them 16 times in 1998, 2000 and 2001.

"Roger wants to be very clear," Hardin said at an impromptu press conference held yesterday afternoon at the Houston Hilton. "This is straight from Roger Clemens's mouth ... and then filtered through me and my team of nine exceptionally aggressive attorneys, and then given back to Roger to read from a single sheet of paper with one line of all caps text."

Clemens then waded through a sea of flashing cameras and stepped up to the podium.

"Over the past year, I have strongly -- and by strongly, I mean vaguely and weakly -- maintained that I have never used steroids or other performance-enhancing drugs. That remains true today. I would, however, like to clarify my relationship with steroids: They were never mine. I didn't purchase them, and I certainly never used them. I was just holding them in my blood for a friend." Clemens then left the podium without taking questions.

"Airtight," Hardin said.

Out of 'roids? Rage over these Free-Ass. gems:
JOHN MCCAIN IS CLINICALLY DEAD, SOURCES SAY
BUSH THROWS SURPRISE 5TH BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR IRAQ WAR

NEW OLYMPIC TORCH FENDS OFF PROTESTS

2008-04-16T00:00:00.009-04:00

Posted: Not sure when. My watch melted to my arm while trying to get this scoop.

THE CITY OF JANIERO RIVER, Brazil -- The International Olympic Committee announced this morning that it has replaced the traditional Olympic torch with a new protest-resistant model. Officials said they have been seeking a solution for quelling the extensive and correct protests along the torch's routes.

"We're very pleased with the results," said Wen Jiabao, the Chinese premier. "We can again celebrate the Olympics and allow others to share the flame. That is the true spirit of China."

FAP will bring you updates as they happen.*

*Don't forget! Yesterday was tax day.

In the meantime, flame out on these Free-Ass. articles:

STUDY: 70% OF AMERICAN DENTAL ASSOCIATION EMPLOYEES HAVE "F***ED-UP TEETH"

CNN'S CAMPBELL BROWN CHANGES NAME TO "PROGRESSO"

AP CHAIRMAN REFERS TO "OBAMA BIN LADEN"

2008-04-15T00:00:00.020-04:00

Posted: After a thorough fact check

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- At a luncheon gathering of U.S. newspaper publishers and editors yesterday, Associated Press chairman Dean Singleton asked Sen. Barack Obama about the threat posed by Iraq, Afghanistan and "Obama bin Laden."

Osama laughed off the comment and corrected Hitlerton: "That's Osama bin Laden." This isn't the first time Barack Jong-Il has been on the receiving end of such verbal gaffes. None of them, however, have come from a man of Idean Amin Stalinton's stature. In fact, he has a spotless record of solid journalism.

After accepting Chairman Mao's apology, Slobamadan Milosevic then answered the question. Afterward, Deanito Mussolini reiterated his regret to Hosni Mobamak and promised to run a correction on the AP wire immediately.

In related news today, Fox News Channel has begun referring to the Illinois senator as Barack Ubama.

BUSH ANNOUNCES PAUSE IN LYING ABOUT IRAQ PROGRESS

2008-04-13T21:21:00.007-04:00

Posted: Tomorrow ... That's impossible! Clearly, I'm lying to cover up a far more insidious posting time.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Bush has promised to adopt the proposal of the top U.S. commander in Iraq, Gen. David Petraeus, to "suspend further equivocations about U.S. military operations inside the Iraqi theater beyond July." Bush did so after Petraeus rephrased his recommendation into small, two-syllable-and-fewer words that Bush could understand.

"Gen. Petraeus wants to wait and see how my past lies pan out before we try to pull new wool over America's eyes," Bush said at a late morning White House press conference Friday. "Therefore, I won't commit to lying to the American people beyond July. It's the morally relative thing to do."

When asked to clarify his position, Bush added that this new "pause" applies only to the war. Both the president and Vice President Cheney will continue to lie like a rug about everything else. Bush also intends to act surprised when he is next asked about the housing crisis and has planned his response:

"Four closures? I heard it's much, much higher than that, like in the South Africa such as."

YOUTUBE TOP 10 ROUNDUP

2008-04-10T21:49:00.008-04:00

Posted: Right now but it'll take a few days of begging people to post comments before it hits the top 50 videos

As a service to our readers, FAP provides a roundup of the day's top 10 YouTube videos. You're welcome.

1. A cat falling off the couch (576,452 views)

2. Some Spanish guy scoring a goal and the ensuing monosyllabic catchphrase that goes with it (518,221 views)

3. Latvian soap opera in 14 parts (511,080 views)

4. A sports reporter gets whacked in the balls by a golf ball to Benny Hill music (479,004 views)

5. Some Spanish guy scoring a goal -- same video but two seconds longer than the other one (464,984 views)

6. Teenager in his basement talking about how awesome he is for two minutes. Then, a hot Japanimation girl taking off her clothes for one second. Then two more minutes of the ridiculous basement dweller talking about himself. (322,222 views)

7. DaxFlame talks about his pencil -- Autism on parade (267,603 views)

8. Barack Obama speech set to Muzak of "Yes, We Can" -- 167 minutes long (252,234 views)

9. A gay guy talking about his jeans (233,432 views)

10. A demolition derby in Oklahoma set to Kenny Loggins' "Danger Zone." (213, 886 views)

AL QAEDA SEEKS WESTERN-LOOKING RECRUITS

2008-04-08T20:58:00.009-04:00

Posted: As soon as we got through security, at the Gordon Biersch pub next to the Nutty Bavarian

CAVE -- Al Qaeda is training fighters that "look Western," according to CIA Director Michael Hayden, who appeared on NBC's "Meet the Press." A high-level CIA Director, under condition of anonymity, revealed to FAP that al Qaeda's No. 1 choice for a Western-looking recruit would bear a strong resemblance to old-time movie star Gabby Hayes. Second would be John Wayne. Third, in a move to court the growing U.S. Latino population, would be Juan Valdez.

"Al Qaeda is looking for operatives who will blend seamlessly into American society," Hayden told Tim Russert. "Be on the lookout for men wearing Wrangler jeans and stupid-looking Garth Brooks-style patchwork shirts. They will also likely be chewing tobacco and/or slow-cooking beans."

One operative has already been caught trying to cross the border from Canada into Washington State. U.S. Customs officials became suspicious when a dusty, floppy-hatted, grizzly man with a wide, shallow tin pan and three teeth said he was "a '49er on my ways to pan me some gold bullion in Eureka, Californ-ee."

When asked if he was a real American, he responded, "Yer dern tootin' I is. Tee hee! Where can I get me some vittles and shoot some yankees? Wait, ah wasn't s'posed to say that out loud. You ain't heard that, ya got me, buddy? Tee hee! Ma mouth sho is sumthin'!"

BAGHDAD CURFEWS INEFFECTIVE; INSURGENTS GROUNDED FOR A WEEK

2008-04-07T21:41:00.019-04:00

Photo courtesy of Baghdad South H.S. Homecoming Parade Steering Committee

Posted: At 10:34pm, but I swear it wasn't my fault. I won't do it again.

BAGHDAD -- After strict curfews did nothing to quell sectarian violence in Baghdad last week, local Bagh-Daddy Nouri Al-Maliki has grounded all insurgents for a week without any satellite phone privileges. And they can forget about going to the frosh/soph cricket game Friday night.

The dramatic move did not sit well with Bobby Al-Maliki, Nouri's son and a sophomore at Baghdad South High School.

"It's just not fair! All the other kids get to go near the Green Zone on weekends," said the crestfallen teenager. "It's not like we're looting the Oil Ministry or nothing."

When asked about the crackdown, Nouri said, "Everybody knows that al-Sadr is a bad egg whose parents give him complete run of the country until Allah knows what hour of the night."

Bobby tried to call a family meeting but could not get a quorum. "I hate you and I hate this family," Bobby yelled before slamming his bedroom beads shut.

Al-Maliki soon backed off after a sympathetic appeal from his wife, Betty Al-Maliki. "Nouri-bear," she said, according to one witness, Bobby, who asked for anonymity, but was refused. "Why are you so hard on the boy? He's not a little kid anymore. He just wants your attention."

Shortly thereafter, Al-Maliki made an announcement that the insurgents were grounded until Wednesday and if they behaved like good coalition supporters, he would reconsider ungrounding them at that time.

"Don't think I'm going to do this every time," he added.

APE PRIES RIFLE FROM HESTON'S COLD, DEAD HANDS

2008-04-07T12:02:00.008-04:00

FREE-ASS. EXTRA!!!
Posted: I can't remember when

BEVERLY HILLS, Calif. -- Charlton Heston, the great scion of Hollywood's golden era, died Saturday at the age of 84. At 2:30 a.m. Monday, the Los Angeles County Coroner, Dr. Ape-raham Zaius, ruled out foul play in Heston's death, despite finding the deceased actor with a rifle in his hands.

"It took a while to pry that thing from his cold, dead hands. I had to get my brother Cornelius and a crowbar," said Dr. Zaius.

The LAPD's preliminary investigation revealed that Heston was lying in wait with a .22 caliber rifle, hoping to take out the "damn, dirty ape" that stole his medications.

FAP will bring you more details as they happen.

CHELSEA LAUNCHES "NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS" STAND-UP COMEDY TOUR

2008-04-06T22:19:00.010-04:00

Photo provided courtesy of the Yuk Yuk Club on Pico

Posted: You know how every news story online says how many minutes ago it was posted? What's up with that?

WELLESLEY, Mass. -- "What's up Swellesley, Mass?!" That was the opening salvo when Chelsea Clinton kicked off her "None of Your Business Stand-Up Comedy Tour" at her mom's alma mater, the all-women's Wellesley College. The former first daughter will campaign for her mother in a most unusual way -- by doing stand-up comedy about her life growing up in the White House.

So far, she's getting a rowdy, welcoming reception. The audience favorite each night has quickly become a new tradition. One lucky student stands up to ask Clinton about her dad's affair with Monica Lewinsky. The audience, responding in uproarious laughter and applause, chimes in with Chelsea, "That's none of your business!"

"You gotta admit, though, my dad made a good choice -- with Monica, that is. She was HY-OT! I know I'm supposed to defend my mom, but f**k it. If I was president and my mom was my wife, I'd do Monica in the Oval Office, too."

Later, Chelsea quipped, "So, I'm here to talk up my mom and make her seem more likable -- like I can f***ing do that! She goes from smiling presidential candidate to raging bitch in about four seconds, depending on the proximity of reporters, cameras and microphones." After a well-played pause, she continued. "It used to take her only two seconds -- she's made a lot of progress."

Chelsea finished the night by saying, "Seriously, you need to vote for my mom for no other reason than I want my f***ing bedroom back. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm 28, for crying out loud! -- which I did a lot of back then. Good night!" She then dropped the microphone and exited.

BIG BIRD ARRAIGNED FOR ATTEMPTED GROUCH-SLAUGHTER

2008-04-03T22:25:00.019-04:00

Photo courtesy of the Birdstein family
"'H' is for 'heroin,' that's good enough
for me!"

BREAKING NEWS!!!
Posted: One-two-three-four-five, six-seven-eight-nine-ten, eleven-tweuheuheuhlve. TWELVE! (minutes ago)

SESAME STREET -- Well-known actor and bird, Big Bird, full name Sol Birdstein, was arraigned on attempted grouch-slaughter charges and felony drunken driving today following an angry altercation with police last week. Birdstein was not present at the hearing. His lawyer, Grover, entered a plea of, "Let's cooperate."

The judge threw him out of the courtroom.

In the third of a string of recent run-ins with police, Birdstein was arrested in late February for drunken driving on Sesame Street and ramming a homeless monster in a trash can. After re-entering the courtroom, Grover addressed the court after slapping the judge on the back.

"Heeeeeeeeeeey, Judge-y Bay-beeeeee!" he began, then argued that the judge should dismiss the attempted grouch-slaughter charges and let Birdstein plead to a lesser charge of "not sharing ... the road with a stationary object propped up on a wooden crate." The judge threw Grover out, again.

For the original story, sit on your mommie's lap, be extra super-super-good and read:

BIG BIRD ARRESTED FOR DUI

FREE-ASS. EXTRA!!!

2008-04-02T11:54:00.008-04:00

"GENIUS" FED CHAIRMAN PREDICTS RECESSION

Posted: 3 consecutive quarters of negative growth ago

In testimony before Congress's Joint Economic Committee yesterday, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke warned that a U.S. "recession is possible."

Committee Chairman Sen. Charles Schumer (D-N.Y.) responded, "No shit! Did everybody hear that? Looks like we got ourselves an eek-onomic genius here. Thanks for the update, Brainiac." Schumer then quickly adjourned the three-and-a-half minute meeting.

Next week, Bernanke is scheduled to tell a group of local high school seniors that during their freshman year of college, "binge drinking is possible."

JIMMY JOHN'S NOW CHARGING FOR "FREE SMELLS"

2008-04-01T21:25:00.006-04:00

Posted: Four sandwiches and eight pitchers ago

BLOOMINGTON, Ind. -- The deepening economic recession is hitting all areas of the American economy equally -- and hard. Jimmy John's, the beloved sub sandwich shop that used to offer "Free Smells," will start charging $1 for them effective immediately.

"We had to take down the neon signs," said James John, CEO of Jimmy John's. "There was simply no alternative. We had to look for alternative revenue streams. We already water down the Cokes and use paper-thin meat. We will, however, continue to slather our sandwiches with way too much mayonnaise."

So the obvious question: Is every time you inhale within the confines of a Jimmy John's shop counted as a smell? What about at 3 in the morning when you walk by on your way to make a really huge mistake with a person less attractive than your sandwich?

"Yes, even walking by, normal breathing is considered smelling and yes, that hook-up you're pondering is a giant mistake -- literally," John said. "By the way, you owe me eight bucks."

"I think it's fine," said one local customer, a business major and all-around self-important prick. "If people want free smells, they should go to some communist country like Cock-istan or whatever. If you wanna smell somethin' else, you can smell my ass. That's free." Mildred Pearl Mabel Higgins, an elderly woman, disagreed.

"On a fixed income, I just can't afford to pay a dollar for each smell," she said. "What's next, charging 41 cents for a stamp?"

"Where am I?" she added.

MCCAIN LAUNCHES GENERAL ELECTION AD SLAMMING NOBODY

2008-03-31T21:26:00.008-04:00

Posted: On a bathroom wall which I wrote down on toilet paper and used immediately

PHOENIX, Ariz. -- Republican presidential nominee Sen. John McCain has launched a hard-hitting, take-no-prisoners, balls-to-the-wall campaign ad sharply slamming his yet-to-be-determined opponent for his or her yet-to-be-made verbal gaffes regarding still-yet-to-be-announced general election policies, all of which sharply contrast with McCain's own yet-to-be-finalized beliefs on tax cuts, immigration and abortion.

"John McCain's opponent probably wants to raise your taxes," says the sinister-sounding voiceover, who must not vote for anyone because he reads for every candidate's ads. "He or she may or may not have foreign policy experience and may even have called you an idiot. Or maybe something worse. Is that the kind of leadership you want for America? John McCain will identify himself and call you a jerk to your face. Just ask 'the little jerk' who asked McCain about dying in office."

Timed to coincide with the ad's release, Joe Lieberman, now an Independent and self-titled "Republicrat," endorsed McCain today, saying, "In all the days of this election cycle, I haven't seen a more talented or more experienced party nominee -- so far. That's why I'm haltingly, tentatively and conditionally endorsing my acquaintance, John McCain. He is the best nominee for this country on this day and time, March 31 at 12:38 p.m., and he is ready to start on Day One -- if that day were today."

EGG MCMUFFIN CREATOR DIES; TO BE BURIED IN HUGE FORK-SPLIT ENGLISH MUFFIN

2008-03-30T22:46:00.005-04:00

Posted: Right after the french fryer beeped

MCDONALDLAND -- Herb Peterson, the original creator of McDonald's Egg McMuffin, died last week in California.

"McDonaldland has lost one of its heroes," said a visibly upset Mayor McCheese, as he wiped the mayonnaise from his sesame seed-specked face. "Breakfast will never be the same again."

The funeral service, held at a Santa Barbara McDonald's Playland, was a veritable "who's who" of collector's glasses and plastic plates. Ronald McDonald wore somber, black-and-white striped socks, black clown shoes, a black wig and a cosmetic tear. When asked about his dramatic clothing change, McDonald said, "This is no time for joking around, smiling or just being really creepy in general." Shortly thereafter, an FAP reporter observed Grimace approach McDonald and say through choked-back tears, "Duh ... Hey Ronald! How many hamburgers does it take to change a light bulb?"

"We've been robble robbled!" The Hamburglar wailed, as he poured some grease from his Egg McMuffin onto the ground in honor of his now-dead homey and hand-held food confidant.

The Fry Guys, who served as pall bearers, drowned their sorrows with swigs of rum-laced orange drink inside the empty, bar-laden head of the Chief of Police, Big Mac. Per his family's request, Peterson was lowered into a greasy, coffin-shaped muffin via one last ride down the McDonald's Playland corkscrew slide.

"Some preferred him when he had ketchup, others maple syrup. I, for one, thought he was good just the way he was," said Donald McRonald, a local celebrity who makes his living as a Ronald McDonald impersonator at kids' birthday parties and at local parks at sundown.

After the service, mourners went inside McDonald's to enjoy breakfast and old people drinking coffee, but were told that breakfast had stopped being served at 10:30. McRonald summed up the mood nicely.

"Right now, it feels like 10:31 all over the world ."

RECESSION PROMPTS DNC TO LAY OFF 600 SUPERDELEGATES

2008-03-27T22:06:00.005-04:00

FREE-ASS. IN-DEPTH
(In-Depth means it's a long-ass article but it's totally worth it.)

Posted: Right now ... Hey! It means everything. Right now!

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a move that's sure to send shockwaves through the vote-manufacturing industry, the Democratic National Committee announced late last week that it will lay off 600 super delegates.

Howard Dean, Chairman of the DNC, said, "The recession has affected all parts of the economy, even rich Democrats like me. I have heard the superdelegates' concerns and I have listened. And like many CEOs across this great nation, I have chosen to ignore them. Instead, I will offer a token acknowledgement of the problem without putting forth a reasonable solution or a means of paying for it. I'm just happy we can get past this and get back to fighting corporations that are shipping American jobs overseas."

The DNC plans to open a satellite office in Jalandhar, India, in May and will hire 400 superdelegates there before the election. Superdelegates may file an appeal to contest the layoffs, according to Dean. "Just e-mail my office. I'll have my assistant chief of staff have his intern send you a form-letter, "Do Not Reply" response. That's how democracy works. That's why we're the greatest nation in the world. YEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Hardest hit in this democratic downturn were superdelegates from Michigan and Florida. Not only will their delegates not be seated at the convention, but their superdelegates have been laid off, too. Said Hillary Clinton of the move, "If the DNC has delegates in India, then we expect to receive their votes from the 1 billion-person India primary." Clinton seemed to have a swagger when delivering her remarks. FAP uncovered that India did recently hold a U.S. presidential primary and Clinton was the only one on the ballot, listed as "Mohandas H.C. Mother Theresa Ghandi." Results are still being tabulated. Have you any idea how long it takes to count a billion ballots?

Delegates in the 48 other states, four U.S. territories and several Democratic broads*, will continue on in their role as delegates and superdelegates to the Democratic National Convention this August in Denver. The delegation from India will phone in their votes at the convention via a 1-800 number. Danny Lane, the DNC's phone vote manager, said, "We expect their hold time to be less than ... se-ven min-utes. Their calls are very important to us and we appreciate their patience. A DNC operator will be with them shortly. Did you know you can log on to your DNC account online? Just go to www.democrats.org forward slash obama coronation, all one word. See you there!" He then began singing, "Signed, Sealed, Delivered" by Stevie Wonder.

Barack Obama said that laying off 600 superdelegates was "a dopey idea."

"Everyone is going to vote for me whether they are here or in India or in Afghanistan. I have family everywhere. I'm actually kinda tired of this shit. Aren't you?" he asked.

However, officials in Michigan and Florida have cried foul. After agreeing to the DNC's rules, breaking them, getting ousted from the process and then whining for six months that their votes won't count, they want those jobs and votes back. John McCain weighed in.

"I told them the jobs weren't coming back and if I'm president, I'll make sure that happens," he said. "That's not just a campaign promise. You can take that to the John McCain 'Truth Squad.'"

On the topic of disenfranchising even more voters, Howard Dean said, "Let's put this in perspective. We usually disenfranchise millions more voters each election cycle by coronating our candidate in late February. Hell, back in 2004, John Kerry locked it up on March 2 before 21 states had even voted. No one was whining then about delegate layoffs. Just because democracy is playing out in-full this time, doesn't mean everyone should freak out and start asking for their vote to count. That's just plain un-American."

To re-enfranchise voters in Michigan and Florida, several Subway franchisees have come together and offered part-time jobs to displaced delegates and promised to hold a million-dollar scratch-ticket sweepstakes where customers who buy a Fresh Buzz Meal Deal will have a chance at winning a trip to the Denver convention as part of Jared's "Tour de Pants." There, they can stand somewhere in the back of the fenced press pen located two blocks away, eat their meal and watch everything on TV -- all expenses paid.**

*FAP Correction: Paragraph 5 of this story referred to several unidentified Democrat broads serving as delegates. Follow-up research, which included a "Feeling Lucky" Google search and asking a friend, revealed that the "broad" is in fact a group called Democrats Abroad. FAP sort of regrets this intentional error.

**Subway Terms and Conditions: All expenses paid means you pay all the expenses yourself, including airfare, hotel, transportation, finding a way into the convention press pen, the $5 entry fee into Jared's "Tour de Pants" and food; including but not limited to Subway meals which will not be provided at a discount. Cookies may not be substituted for chips. Asiago cheese bread not available in some areas.

FREE-ASS. EXTRA!!!

2008-03-26T14:50:00.010-04:00

OBAMA RESPONDS TO CLINTON'S REV. WRIGHT COMMENTS

Posted: 1492. Hey! What are those three ships?

PROBABLY PENNSYLVANIA -- Last night, Sen. Hillary Clinton attacked Sen. Barack Obama about his pastor, the Rev. Jeremiah Wright, saying, "I think given all we have heard and seen, he would not have been my pastor." FAP spoke with Obama shortly afterward.

"I think given all we have heard and seen, Bill Clinton would not have been my husband," Obama said.

For more election excitement, check out these FAP stories:

JOHN MCCAIN CONFUSES AL QAEDA WITH AL ROKER
FLORIDA AND MICHIGAN DELEGATES TO BE DECIDED BY ROSHAMBO

STUDY: 70% OF AMERICAN DENTAL ASSOCIATION EMPLOYEES HAVE "F***ED-UP TEETH"

2008-03-25T21:18:00.012-04:00

Posted: Every six months if I have insurance

CHICAGO -- According to a new study by the Center for Popular Hypocrisy at UCLA's Koreatown Campus, 70 percent of American Dental Association workers have "f***ed-up teeth."

The study noted dozens of other ADA employees who had chronic halitosis, badly discolored teeth -- like, Chiclet-shaped teeth that look like they have spinach stuck between them -- and rotting, pus-ridden cavities filled with Now & Later candy.

"You should see the smoking area out in front of our building," said Dr. Judith Foley, head of Toothpaste Affairs for ADA. "These people put strippers to shame. And, I might add, they smoke right in front of the war memorial dedicated to the 160 veteran dentists who have lost their lives for American dental freedom." Employees at other companies in the complex agreed.

"It's disgusting," said Kashmir Singh, who works for a firm three floors below the ADA's offices. "I was in the lobby last week and asked a pleasant-looking woman for directions to Starbucks. When she opened her mouth, I thought I was talking to a meth addict. Turns out it was the Executive Director of the ADA's Commission on Dental Accreditation."

Although the ADA Web site contains exhaustive educational resources, with links to products bearing the ADA Seal of Acceptance, a "Smile Smarts Curriculum," a "You and Your Dentist FAQ" and even a section titled "DENTAL GRILLS (grillz or fronts)," apparently very few ADA employees have adopted, much less read, and in fact, actively denounce and reject, the organization's multitude of recommendations for maintaining good oral health.

When asked about the discrepancy, Jerry Sinclair, head of ADA's Enamel Tower, said there was a simple explanation.

"We outsourced the creation of our Web site to a third-party provider," he said, adding they had signed an NDA with the ADA. "I can't tell you who they are, but these guys had some f***ing white-ass teeth."

BUSH THROWS SURPRISE 5TH BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR IRAQ WAR

2008-03-24T21:25:00.007-04:00

Posted: I think 8:53. Wait, maybe its 5:83? No. I'll go with 8:53. Some of the bars are fading on my digital watch. It's hard to tell.

BAGHDAD -- President Bush made a surprise visit to Iraq this week in order to throw a surprise fifth birthday party for the younger-than-he-looks Iraq War. The event was held inside the heavily decorated and fortified Green Zone.

"Thank you all for coming," President Bush whispered from his podium, giggling. "Now when the War walks through that door, I want everyone to yell, 'Surprise!' I can't wait to see the shock and awe on his face."

Attending the party was Bush's Secret Service detail, an array of military assets and soldiers to provide additional security; helicopters and F-16 air support; 450 hand-picked U.S. and "coalition" soldiers; 371 private civilian contractors from Halliburton, 20 reporters, four cameramen, Vice President Dick Cheney via satellite uplink from Qatar; Condoleezza Rice and Scooter Libby (unannounced); and one lone Iraqi named Hamad. Everyone except Hamad threw flowers and welcomed the War as a liberator.

Bush handed out cone-shaped Kevlar helmets and tie-dye flak jackets as party favors. Party games included playing a more depressing version of Cowboys and Indians called "Soldiers and Insurgents," a rousing game of "Pin the Blame on the Iraqi Government" and a dangling, lifeless, Tootsie Roll-filled Saddam Hussein piñata.

"I love Tootsie Rolls," Rice said. "So the War must as well."

Even Scooter Libby was in attendance, entertaining the Secret Service with round after round of "Two Truths and a Lie."

Shortly after the War arrived, it was time to eat. Mr. Bush wheeled out a cooler containing ice-cold 2-liter bottles of "Surge" and a vanilla Humvee-shaped cake with plastic army men and dark chocolate roadside bombs. The cake exploded in fireworks and played a recording of "Happy Birthday" by the U.S. Army Band.

After the War opened his presents, Bush pulled him aside for a tender, fatherly moment.

"Did you get everything you wanted?" he asked the cake-smeared conflict.

"Almost everything," the War replied timidly. "I really wanted more oil-sharing revenues and troop withdrawal."

"Well, we can't always throw the party we want. Sometimes we just have to enjoy the party that's forced upon us." Bush then shooed the War off.

"He's getting so big," said Bush as he choked back tears watching the War knock the Saddam Hussein piñata off the string and then continue to beat it into the ground repeatedly with a stick. He then hit anyone else who tried to get too close to the candy.

"Soon he's gonna be an adult war living and thriving on his own. He won't need his dear-old-dad around much longer." Rice then gave Bush a hug before he addressed the crowd again.

"We gotta clean this place up before curfew. Can we do it?" Bush asked the crowd, in an attempt to mimic the energetic call-and-response style of Sen. Barack Obama's rallies.

"Yes we can," mumbled Hamad in Arabic, adding, "When are you leaving again?"

ARE YOU LIKE MOST AMERICANS AND CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF THE IRAQ WAR? THEN TAKE OUR POLL, DIRECTLY TO YOUR RIGHT!

Editor's note: That poll has since been removed. The U.S. beat Iraq ... bad.

DALAI LAMA THREATENS TO STEP DOWN, CLEARING WAY FOR OBAMA

2008-03-23T23:02:00.004-04:00

Posted: This will likely happen tomorrow, but we posted it today to get a jump on the weekend 'cause we got an inflatable taco and we're goin' tubin' at the lake on my uncle's boat.

TIBET -- Violence rages on between Tibetan Buddhist monks and the Chinese military. The Dalai Lama said today that he would step down if it would curb the violence. This prompted a strange response from Sen. Barack Obama's presidential campaign.

"We have formed an exploratory committee to run for the office of Dalai Lama," said David Axelrod, Obama's political advisor. "It is time for Dalai to step down and for the world to elect the Obama Lama."

When asked about the announcement, Obama said, "We see ourselves as the underdog here. If you were to pick the ideal background for someone to become the new Dalai Lama, a skinny black Christian kid with a funny name might not be the best place to start. But, we've got the audacity to hope and so far, we're running unopposed. I was just in Lhasa yesterday. I brought Tibetans and Buddhists together. They shouted something that sounded like "Yes, we can!" before the Chinese soldiers started shooting. It was a big moment for everyone."

Hillary Clinton's campaign made its own announcement today. Clinton said she has received the endorsement of She-Ra to be one of the new Masters of the Universe. With that endorsement comes the support of 17 superhuman delegates, a Sword of Power and a Battlecat.

For more stories on the presidential campaign trail and other He-Man-related articles, check out this Free-Ass. stuff:

CREATOR OF DUNGEONS & DRAGONS DIES AT DUNWOODY APOTHECARY
FLORIDA AND MICHIGAN DELEGATES TO BE DECIDED BY ROSHAMBO

JOHN MCCAIN CONFUSES AL QAEDA WITH AL ROKER

2008-03-21T06:12:00.012-04:00

Posted: Two surges ago

AMMAN, JORDAN -- John McCain has flubbed again. On his recent trip to the Middle East, the "Senior Senator" from Arizona held a press conference where he confused the names of the terrorist group Al Qaeda with "The Today Show" weatherman Al Roker.

"We have got to stop Iran and President MacMood Onomatopoeia from supporting and arming Al Roker. It is making America less safe," McCain said. "And less funny."

FAP scored an exclusive interview with Al Roker. When asked about the allegations, he said, "Hey FAP! I'm down here in Odessa, Texas, at the annual Vittles and Fiddles Festival. Boy, this food sure looks good, but I can't eat it 'cause my stomach is stapled shut. The weather here in Odessa is hot and sunny with a high of 82 degrees, and there's a 30-percent chance that I'm a terrorist. Here's what's happening in your neck of the woods."

For more updates on the progress of John McCain's presidential bid, click here:

JOHN MCCAIN'S RECENT PROGRESS

FLORIDA AND MICHIGAN DELEGATES TO BE DECIDED BY ROSHAMBO

2008-03-18T20:18:00.008-04:00

Posted: Four score and seven minutes ago

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. -- The Democratic National Committee, in its infinite brilliance, has come to a decision regarding the delegate conundrum in Florida and Michigan. Senators Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama will play "Rock, Paper, Scissors," also known as "Roshambo," 366 times to decide who gets the 366 delegates at stake between the two states.

"Each game is worth one delegate," said Howard Dean, chairman of the Democratic National Committee. "It is the only cost- and voter-free way to decide this. If it's good enough for the playground, it's good enough for America."

"Yeeeeeaaaahhhh!" Dean then screamed loudly, trying to drum up support for his plan. He was immediately beaten down and removed from the room.

Obama supports the idea and spoke about his strategy. "Look. Hillary is a rock kind of person. Uh, typical schoolgirl wants to make a statement. She goes for the rock. I'm a paper guy. Paper covers rock. Every time. Then when she gets frustrated that her rock doesn't work, she tries scissors. That's when I go for rock. Now, John McCain. He goes for rock every time, no matter what, no matter how bad the losses. In fact, in a recent campaign speech, he said he was going to play rock for the next 100 years. Is that the kind of roshambo we want to play as a country? I'm a rock you can believe in. I didn't say 'Iraq,' I said 'a rock,'" said Barack.

Because Obama supports it, Clinton is staunchly opposed to the idea. "Well, what Barack does not know is that I have been playing Rock, Paper, Scissors for 35 years. I used Rock, Paper, Scissors to help bring peace to Northern Ireland and to open the Macedonian border to Kosovar refugees. I played it 366 times by myself just now and won every round. It doesn't matter if he was there or not. All those delegates should be counted for me because I won and he didn't." Clinton then blew raspberries at the FAP reporter and called him a "stupid doodoo head."

In a statement written in crayon and read over the morning announcements, Obama's campaign said that racist slurs such as "stupid doodoo head" have no place in a presidential campaign and that Clinton should get a timeout.

For more news on Clinton's campaign progress, check out these FAP articles:

CLINTON WINS WHITE VOTE IN MISSISSIPPI
CLINTON CAMPAIGN SAYS GUAM IS A "MUST WIN"