This Free-Ass. Blog Has Been Retired

Dear Readers,

Due to some crazy tragic techno-problems, our original blog site has been retired: www.freeasspress.blogspot.com

You can find all your favorite stories both old and new on our new blog site: www.freeasspress.com

Thanks for visiting us!

Free-Ass. Press

Solzhenitsyn Dies; Obituaries Cause Global Spell-Check Blackout

Posted: On Stalen's grayv

WORLD -- In a crippling mihsap for newspapiers, maguzines and blogs everywhere, the death of righter Alexander Soltsaneatson and the subsequent obitchuaries caused spell Czech softwear all over the world to crash.

Soltschanietschen's name and his his book title's -- wich are also stupid hard to spell like "the Goolag Arkipellugo" and "One Day in the Life of Ivan Deesneesavitch," along with other Russian words and terms to make it seem like the press does research -- overloaded spell check programs and shut down news organzations for owers.

On behalf of libral press around the world, the Free-Asss. Press and they're reporters apolojizz for any errrs.

Hillary Clinton Refuses to Be Nominated; Denies Ever Seeking Presidency

Posted: Clearly not back in May

DENVER -- In a surprise move by the Hillary Clinton campaign, which everyone assumed disbanded months ago when Barack Obama secured the Democratic nomination, the New York senator has refused to file papers that would allow her to be formally nominated for the presidency at the convention.

"I know such a thing would have sounded really, really, really, really, really, really, really strange coming from me three months ago, but I've had time to think about this," she said. "I never really wanted to be president anyway. It's true."

When asked why she ran in the first place then, Clinton cited the deep fulfillment that three to four hours of sleep per night; endless traveling; hanging out in high school gymnasiums; pretending to care about a bunch of people in a diner at 5:30 a.m. who are wondering why the f**k a bunch of TV cameras showed up to watch them drink coffee and eat eggs and toast; and racking up $10 million in debt in just under three months provide.

"Plus, I love to lose my voice as a result of stumping endlessly and breathing stale, recirculated, fetid airplane air," she added.

In order to still be considered for nomination, Clinton would have to submit a formal signed request along with the signatures of 300 to 600 Democratic delegates who passionately believe in committing political suicide for a symbolic gesture that achieves absolutely nothing.

As of press time, that number was at or near zero.