Budget Office OKs Reality Stimulus Checks for Mental Recession

Posted: On this dumb guy's forehead

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Former Republican Sen. Phil Gramm, a top advisor to Sen. John McCain, said today that Americans who claim the economy is in a recession are delusional. "You've heard of mental depression? This is a mental recession," Gramm said.

Fearing an election-year backlash against Republicans, the Congressional Budget Office immediately approved millions of "Reality Checks" to help stimulate Americans' sagging mental condition.

"Republicans understand that Americans are dumber than most," said Republican Minority Whip Roy Blunt of Missouri. "This plan provides $300 for 'out-to-lunch' Americans, $600 for the 'somewhat slow' independent voters and $1,500 each for the wealthiest one-half of one percent of Americans; $3,000 for those who are married filing jointly." Sen. Barack Obama responded immediately to the plan.

"I want you to ask yourself: Are you dumber today than you were eight years ago?" The crowd of thousands responded with a resounding "Yes, we are!" while people still entering the event walked into walls, drooled on their neighbors and whined endlessly about the economy.

Pres. George Bush, on a golf outing, answered some impromptu questions about the new push, but stopped short of saying the word "recession."

"What we've got here is just one big American brain fart; our economy's at recess, but we're going to line everybody up holding hands behind this plan, just like we did with Iraq," he said. "Now watch this drive."