Bill Gates' Retirement Postponed Due To Security Updates

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SEATTLE -- The retirement party for Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates was cut short last Friday to allow for three hours and 28 minutes of multiple Microsoft Vista security downloads, service pack updates and patch installations.

Microsoft's human resources department tried its best to process Gates' retirement request. The department's computers, though, kept delivering pop-up messages every five f**king minutes asking if they wanted to install the updates and restart their computers.

"I think I'm going to shoot myself," said Gregg Arst, Microsoft's HR director. "Bill Gates can kiss my f**king a**, the c**k-s**king billionaire mother nerd f**ker! Tell Bill Gates to go f**k himself!"

"That's off the record," he added, one expletive-laden insult too late.

Seven hours, five restarts and two suicides later, Microsoft ultimately processed Gates' retirement request. He then made his final announcement to the company.

"So long, suckers -- I'm finally going to buy a Mac!"